The Soundtrack in my Head

The soundtrack in my head is filled with anger and rebellion. Originally, I heard “Rise Up” by Andra Day . Then it was “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Mis. And now it is, “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty.

I thought I knew how this was going to go. And I think I overestimated my understanding of the human condition. As a writer (or at least that is what I purport to be when I make time and don’t give in to my anxiety) I observe humanity. You have to, right? You have to know the nuances of people before you can write about them because you want your characters to accurately reflect reality. You want people to read a book and see themselves or recognize someone they have met at some point in time. So, I’ve been studying people for a lot of years, and I thought I knew a lot about them.

I thought I knew how this election was going to go. It’s not my first rodeo. I was incredibly anxious the night of – you can ask my poor husband who was on the receiving end of a diatribe the moment he walked in the door. Not a diatribe about politics. My emotions often spill over about anything or everything else, but not what my actual fears are. I know that about myself, as I know I tend to keep negative emotions inside and then the dumbest, simplest, smallest thing will overwhelm me – I think that day it was a misplaced bolt of all things. See I know that about myself because I even observe my own behaviors. That doesn’t mean I can alter it – just that I am aware it is going to happen. My poor husband is probably aware of it too. I digress. I thought I knew what was going to happen, I thought we would be waiting for Kamala Harris to take office after a narrow victory, that would have months if not years of contention. I was anxious because I was afraid of the reaction of some of Trump’s faithful – not all, but some, are unhinged. And I feared for everyone’s safety. I was afraid of who would be hurt. I thought that Americans were going to vote for Vice-President Harris and Senator Tim Walz because they had heart. But I was wrong – so wrong. How?

The months leading up to an election are a wild ride. I sit, a lone Republican in a house and a family of Democrats. People who know me would probably be shocked by this. I have the heart and the beliefs of a Democrat. I am very liberal. I champion for everyone who is marginalized. I am the most Democrat Republican you will ever meet. And I could easily switch parties and be fine in conscience. I am not tied to too many Republican ideals – just a few here and there. But I live in a city that is almost all Democrat, and I don’t like the Republican party much right now. I think it is important to have two parties, at least, represented. I think it is important to have people like me in a party like this so that maybe I can make a difference and change the hateful, misogynistic bullying party it has become. Change it from the inside maybe because going from the outside is certainly not working.

What was more interesting to me and disheartening were the people that I saw support Trump. I understand that economics plays a huge factor. Since 2020, we have all suffered economically. I don’t think it was all Biden’s fault. It started with the pandemic and for various reasons including: a shortage of workers, goods being left at docks, increases in wages being absorbed by the buyers instead of the corporations, money flowing into the economy which had to be checked by high inflation, and a whole host of other supply and demand issues made the economy an issue. That’s cyclical at least. Every four or eight years we volley between political parties. It has to be that way because one party is better at economic and foreign affairs, like a dad with a thermostat, and the other is the more soft-hearted cuddly mom who is better at caring for the people. People need money to care for people and that requires a better economy and so it goes. I get the change. I understand the need for the volley. But this volley came with Trump because presumably we could do no better <sarcasm font> than to put in a convicted felon with a megalomaniac issue. 

But the people I watched support him through the questionable invention of social media, were friends and family. I saw people I knew from grade school and high school, some of whom I know to be extremely intelligent, support him. Family, especially one person whom I still love, but whom I have come to respect less, broke my heart. Not because they wanted change, but because the change they wanted turned them into bullies, racists, misogynists, homophobic people. We have family, let me say that again for the people in the back FAMILY, from all different races and walks of life. I have always been taught family above all else. And I married into this wonderfully, large chaotic beautiful family, and I came from one broken and not close at all, so I value it – to see one or two of them turn on the others broke my heart. And I did not stay silent. But no one should have taken this election and posted hateful rhetoric and vitriol. No one should have mocked others or used slurs. We are adults. We are above that. We should be. We are. Right? I really hope the people I need to see, see this and have a moment of conscience.  I used to be a teacher. I cross at crosswalks because a kid could be looking out a window and see me jaywalk and think it is okay and then get hit by a car. I am not kidding. This goes through my head because I want to be a good example. I want kids to learn from me. So be a good person and fuck you if you cannot. People are watching and learning from you.  

So yeah, Trump did one thing really well. He read a playbook. I don’t know where this playbook came from or who wrote it. The playbook must be titled “How to Succeed at Being a Villain Without Really Trying.”  It encompasses lessons on all the things. The main one being one I learned when I was in high school at a yearbook retreat no less. “Keep It Simple Stupid.” KISS. They bad, we good. It broke, we fix. You scared, we keep safe. Too expensive, make cheap. And I don’t mean to downplay people who voted for him by sounding like a caveman. That’s not my intention. My intention is to point out what he did with simplistic messages. He played to people’s fears. He played to people’s basic needs – not their heartstrings and not their intelligence. Playing to heartstrings was for another campaign. He got back to basics and people like it, apparently. He also used tools that I was taught about in grade school (Shout out to Mr. McCafferty 7^th grade) He used yellow journalism, bully pulpits, fearmongering and jingoistic beliefs. And it stuck – because people want to be proud of where they live (and not in a proud boys kind of way) they just honestly want to go to work every day, come home and not worry. They want the stress to go away. They long for simplicity and just not worrying about what tomorrow brings and he promised it again – for a second time. And for a second time people believed him. He won’t make good on it. He is irrational and all he craves is power. But he said what people wanted and needed to hear and he used all the right tools and so some people got snowed. He is, in my limited observational skills, a sociopath. Because he is charming and manipulative. He’s not a psychopath – I reserve that one for Danny Masterson. Trump is a sociopath. Check out all the attributes he meets: https://psychcentral.com/health/sociopath-traits#:~:text=The%20term%20sociopath%20is%20often,to%20get%20what%20they%20want.

So I get it. It took me a few days to wrap my head around and understand why it happened. And as much as I would like to say, “If you voted for Trump, we cannot be friends.” Or I hate you because you voted for him. I don’t. I understand what it is like to struggle to feed your family. I understand what it is like to be afraid to live in your neighborhood because of the crime. I get what it is to fear for your livelihood or to fear your children will not be able to fulfill their dreams. I understand the fear of being a mother with a son of drafting age. I understand some of that, maybe with a wisdom that comes from age and experience – I’m not old, but I have been around enough.

But I also understand the fear of being persecuted for being who you are. I understand the fear of being prosecuted because you look or feel or love differently than what is expected or accepted. I get wanting to live life differently because you don’t feel like yourself. I understand wanting to be in charge of your own body. I get there are times that horrendous choices have to be made. I understand medical struggles. I don’t walk in these shoes so I can’t say that I understand perfectly, but I love, with everything in me there is to love, people who do.  I understand there are good and decent people from all walks of life, every religion, every nationality and in every occupation. Just as there is evil among all. And evil often gets attention, like the proverbial squeaky wheel.

Find your soundtrack, play your songs loud and let them inspire you. Shout about how much you are angry. It will make you feel better. Wallow, grieve, and then get angry. I understand that as much as I want to put on headphones, watch a silly little show and drown out the madness, I can’t. I have to speak up. I have to defend. I have to fight and I will. Because he is not going to take away the rights of anyone I love. He will not make people miserable without me at least standing up and saying, “Fuck You” And I will not tolerate hate, bigotry, misogyny, or bullying in any form and if you will, fuck you too.