Enough may be all I ever am

Feeling introspective today. I started, in August, on a journey to lose weight and be more fit. After all, I am turning fifty this year and it seemed like a good a time as any. More than that, I have time on my hands. I stayed home with my kids and did the school volunteer parent route. Someone has to. I was good at it too, raising my kids and volunteering. My kids turned into pretty great humans, with good hearts and a remarkable sense of acceptance and justice. I ran large scale events and led profitable groups for nineteen years. My husband works a job that requires long hours and traveling. This is what worked for us, but it isn’t enough for everyone. I find myself apologizing and trying to explain our choice, because people will make you feel like less. Being a stay-at-home mom is not respected. Not everybody understands the dynamic. That’s okay, it was enough for us.

Back to my journey to be more fit. I started in August and though my gym attendance is not as regular as I would like, I started on the journey so my body would be stronger. It is. I lost thirty pounds, forty from my heaviest weight – which I am pretty proud of. I don’t lose weight like my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he works hard at it, but he also has an amazing metabolism that I do not possess. He gets all the compliments – which he definitely deserves. He’s pretty handsome. Sometimes, I am a little jealous because I don’t hear it (unless it is from my besties – we are petty good at building each other up.) I have excesses that I will never lose (thighs, arms, stomach – you know ladies) and sometimes I look in the mirror and I am incredibly frustrated. And sometimes I think – this body gave life to two people; this stomach stretched to carry two beautiful lives into this world; these arms have hugged countless children (not in a creepy way – I was a preschool teacher and then pretty much a non-official counselor for every friend of my kids that came in my house); my legs have supported me through years of play time and family walks; my shoulders have given solace and support; my hands cared for my ailing father; and my heart tries to encompass as many as it can. I am short. I will never be skinny or trendy. My hair does not always cooperate. I still don’t know how to wear makeup. I am insecure. I fidget entirely too much, but maybe just maybe I am enough.

I have been on a journey to write more and to share what I am writing. I did that. Again with more time on my hands, now that my babies are grown, I have time to devote to writing, a gift which I never had before. So I started this website and I put myself out there on social media. I started to share the things I have created. My dream, of course, is to be published and I will keep working on it, or at least try to discover what it takes to get published. In the meantime, I have grown from no followers to fifty-one. If someone reads something I have written and enjoys it or if I have made someone smile – maybe that is enough.

I will continue to strive to be my best at all things, but if enough is all I really am, I think I am okay with that too.