Chapter Three: The Decision

Carrie awoke the next morning and wondered what answer she would give Jon. No, that’s not right, she knew the answer she would give him but what she needed to figure out was how to explain why it was that she couldn’t marry him just yet. She didn’t know how to go about explaining that since she didn’t understand it. Well, this was not the first time that the subject of marriage had some up in their lives. Carrie figured she could do what she always did, change the subject. There was one sure fire way to change a man’s mind about discussing anything, well at least one way to change Jon’s mind. It would take vamping a little and setting the mood right but if she did it well enough, all thoughts of marriage would be out of his head for a while at least.

Right before Jon was due to come over: she stoked the fire; lit candles all around the apartment and threw her on a romantic playlist. She changed into his favorite outfit and dabbed on his favorite perfume. Carrie felt as ready as she could be to play the role of seductress, sure to drive any man to distraction, which was exactly what she was aiming for.

Jon rang the doorbell right on time. Carrie gave him her biggest come-hither smile. Jon knew what she was about, he predicted that she would act this way, using her beautiful body as a tool designed to persuade him from discussing anything serious. He also vowed to himself that it was not going to work, not this time. He walked into the apartment and used all his willpower to fight the basic and instinctive urges that Carrie aroused in him.

“Can I get you a drink?” Carrie asked.

“A coke will be fine thanks.” Jon replied. He was not much of a drinker, never had been. He needed to be stone cold sober tonight, to have all his faculties about him.

Carrie poured his drink and sashayed across the room to turn the stereo up just a little. His eyes followed her every move, his heart beating a little more quickly, animal instincts in danger of prevailing and taking over his rational thought. There was no doubt that he loved her, wanted her, craved her, and needed her. But Jon refused to have her on a part time basis any longer. His love was the real thing and he wanted hers in return.

She walked back to him, leaning in very close, she snaked her arm around his neck.  Jon surprised her by bringing his hand up and stopping her seductive moves abruptly.

“Not tonight, Carrie. Tonight, we talk.” She pouted that sexy little pout that normally would have turned him into a puddle of mush. God, how was any man supposed to resist a girl that could have this effect on him?

“Alright Jon, let’s sit down then.” Damn! It hadn’t worked this time. Now Carrie would have to talk to him to tell him the truth but how was she supposed to do that when she hadn’t quite figured out what the truth was?

“I want you to marry me, Carrie.”

“I know, so you’ve said.”

“Carrie, this is serious. I love you. I always have. You are everything to me. But I don’t want you on a part time basis anymore. You are my best friend and I want you in my life every day. I want to wake with you in the morning and kiss your lips every night before we sleep.”

“But Jon, we have that already, don’t we? Why can’t it continue like this? Why do things have to change?”

“Carrie it’s time we settled down. I want to start a family. Both of our parents want grandchildren soon. I don’t know what you’re afraid of; marriage is the next natural step. We know that we love each other, and we are happy together.  At least I think we are happy. Unless…unless” Jon could hardly bring himself to think let alone say what he was feeling, “Unless you don’t love me the way I love you.”

“Jon! Of course, I love you. You mean the world to me, and I do want to marry you and have children some day, just not now. I know that this is going to sound crazy, but I feel as though there is something else out there. There is someplace I am needed. Something is calling to me and I don’t know what it is. I feel it at night before I sleep. I feel it in my heart when the world is still and silent; when I can really, really listen. That’s when I hear it Jon and I can’t explain it to you, I wish I could. I just wish you would be a little more patient with me.”

“I am running out of patience Carridelle. I have been patient with you for six years. It is high time you figure out what the hell you want to do with your life! You are not a little girl anymore.” He was frustrated. He raised his voice without intending to. He was saying things that he didn’t mean. Why was that? Why was it that when you argued over something this volatile you could never reign in on your emotions?

Carrie was taken aback by his abruptness. He was supposed to love her, why then did it sound so much like an ultimatum to her?

“Jon, if you love me you will wait for me while I figure out what it is that I am supposed to do. I know it sounds crazy, but I know there is something else out there. Please, Jon, please wait for me.” She was begging him, and she hated it. It sounded desperate even to her.

Jon sighed and got up off the couch, “Alright Carrie, figure it out, but please don’t take too long. We have the rest of our lives to spend together, but I need you now. No, I want you now and I love you.”

“I love you too Jon.” It was then that she hatched her brilliant plan. It came to her like a bolt of lightning in a stormless sky. “I’m going to go away for a while Jon. I need to work on my new book, and I can’t do that here. There are too many things that will distract me. There is so much of you here and I need time to figure out who it is I am supposed to be or what it is that needs me.”

“Alright Carrie, I’ll wait for you to come back. Take care of yourself. I love you.” Jon said as he kissed her on the lips, that soft, sweet kiss that was reminiscent of when they first met. But this time as he turned and headed for the door, Carrie swore she saw a lonely, solitary tear, slide down his cheek. And that one tear would be nothing compared to the hundreds that would fall on her pillow that night.