Chapter One: The Question

The year was 1957. It was a scorching hot summer. I can remember every little detail; see it as clearly as if I were staring at my own reflection, pondering it, contemplating my inner soul. The heat of the sun seemed oppressive, the air thick with tension, desire and with something that I could not quite put my finger on. It was the summer I turned sixteen, the dream year of any young girl’s existence when all things good are supposed to happen as if your Fairy Godmother swooped down upon you and granted your every wish.

I remember sitting by the lake, watching my brothers, one older and one younger, casting their long fishing poles into the water, sending ripples splattering off into the distance. Looking over beyond the farm, I could see my father walking through the cornfields. He looked like something out of a movie in his overalls and big, wide farmer’s hat. I sat on the swing, my bare feet dangling below me. I was wearing a plain cotton dress, a faded print of blue flowers. My mother would have said the dress was “serviceable.” She meant that it was as good as anything to wear around the farm, good as anything to get your chores done in and then to bask in the setting sun of the day.

I laid back in the swing, reveling in the innocence of youth. It seemed to me that something was in the air, something that would change my life forever, but I didn’t know what it was. Jess, that was my older brother, ran past me, his fish dangling from the line behind him. The smell was noxious. He tweaked my red braid as he went past, “Hey sis!” he called, “Seems like someone was blessed by the Titty Fairy this summer!”

I sat up quickly, enraged by his remark, and with all of the air of an indignant young woman that I could muster, I yelled back, “Don’t you wish Cindy Lou had been!” Cindy Lou was his girlfriend and I didn’t like her one bit. She was fast, a bottle-blonde with huge doe eyes. All of the guys fell for her. She was the head cheerleader. Well, they belonged together I suppose. He was the captain of the football team. He had all the brawn and was lacking all the couth and brains that holding that position entailed.

Steve, my younger brother, whom I adored, hung back awhile gathering up his pole and his fish. “Sissy,” he said, reverting to the old nickname he had used for me since he started to talk on his first birthday five years ago, “What’s a Titty Fairy? Is she like the tooth fairy and will she visit me soon?”

“Lord, I hope not child! And don’t you let mamma and poppa catch you talking bout her you hear?” I told him in my best southern drawl and leapt off of the swing to help him gather up his treasures. “Let’s take these fish on up to momma, she’s gonna be so proud of you.” I told him as I ruffled his carrot orange hair. And the smile on his face, going from freckle to freckle told me that the praise I heaped at him had hit its mark, right to his little heart.

As we started up towards the house, I saw a truck rumbling in the distance. It was kicking dirt up in its wake as it traveled at an accelerated speed down the old dirt road. Self-conscious now of my dress, I gathered the material around my chest a little closer, hoping that whoever was coming would not notice the span of the buttons. When I saw that the truck was a cherry red in color, a 1955 Ford Pickup, I knew it could belong to only one person, Tom Graham, star quarterback on our school’s football team and Jess’ best friend. I smoothed my hair back in place, without even knowing that I was doing it. I licked my lips and pulled Steven along at a quicker pace hoping to get to the house before Jess jumped in the truck and left. Steve looked at me; his eyes were all-knowing. Some days it seemed that the soul of a ninety-year-old man lurked inside that little boy’s body.

“Awww, shoot sissy, what are you hurrying to see him for? He’s a thug just like Jess and you could catch someone a lot better then him.”

“Hush little man, don’t you go talking bout things you know nothing about,” I said to him and left him to deal with his fishing pole as I ducked in the back door of the house to peek in the mirror before I innocently wandered out on the front porch.

The reflection that looked back at me was okay I suppose. My hair was in place, mostly. The rays of the sun had kissed my cheeks. I deliberately undid the first three buttons on my dress, deciding that maybe the Titty Fairy coming to visit me this summer was not a bad thing after all. I meandered out to the front of the house, looking as preoccupied as I could, as if looking for something but not quite expecting it to be where I was.

“Howdy Cinderella,” said a deep voice with the finest southern twang you could ever imagine. Oh how I hated that nickname! You see, my name was Lucinda, after my grandma. I preferred to be called by that name alone and if you had to shorten it at all, Lucy was the name I liked. But my brother, the reprobate, called me Cindy or Cinder for as long as anyone cared to notice and that of course, led to Cinderella. I was no fairy-tale princess and so I detested the nickname, but somehow when Tom Graham said it, it just didn’t seem so bad. I looked up at him, a smile playing on my lips, my eyelashes fluttering.

“Howdy Tom,” I said back to him and flashed a smile at the boy that was with him. I didn’t know the other guy but he resembled Tom in some ways. He had the same ash-blonde hair and the same blue eyes. There was something different about his eyes though. They were somehow more piercing then Tom’s, as if they saw right through me and saw the game that I was playing.

I was new to the whole flirting game. My friends had been playing it for a few years, but I was a late bloomer. I had just recently noticed that there was something about the opposite sex that was intriguing. Something that made my heart skip a few beats when I was around them. Something that made me want to get to know them all a little better. There was nothing about the guys that were my age that caught my attention though. My brother’s friends seemed worldlier, more knowledgeable. Tom was no exception to the rule. Oh, I knew he was a jock like Jess, but he seemed so nice.

Jess bounded out of the house, resembling an overgrown puppy. He was all arms and legs and they never seemed to go in the same direction at once. He looked at me and laughed, “Might wanna button up that dress, Cinder, before you catch your death out here!” he teased as he gave a high-five to Tom and a nod to the other gentleman. Tom looked at me and laughed and the other boy just stared at me, his eyes twinkling in merriment but not laughing at me. I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks. I looked around for something, anything to throw at my dear brother, but by the time I raised the water ladle in my hand, the truck was pulling out of our drive and into some unforeseen adventure.

That summer continued much the same way as that. I looked out for my younger brother, making up for some of the attention my parents could not seem to give him; Jess picking on me day in and day out; and me, trying to overcome that shy awkward stage that accompanies any young girl’s departure from the innocence of childhood to the delightful blossoming seeds of womanhood. But still it was there, something that I could not identify. It was as if I knew that there was an imbalance in our happiness. I was constantly on edge. You know the feeling don’t you? The feeling that everything is perfect and something just has to mess it up, and if not, you’re bound to make yourself do something wrong, just so you can end that awful dread you’ve been having.

Then it was there, the anxiety at an end, the wonder all gone. I woke up one morning and my life was altered, changed forever in an instant. It was a warm Sunday in the end of July. I woke up to find Stevie sitting on my bed, his eyes red from crying. His cheek was blotched, swollen with the mark of a handprint. I pulled him to me, my concern and anger growing in equal gales as I held the sobbing, shivering body close to mine. “Who did this to you? Who hurt you honey?” I asked him quietly, my hands running over and over his hair, smoothing it out as if I could wipe away all of the pain with my small, comforting motions.

“D … D … Da … Dadddddddy …” he stammered. I looked at him incredulously. Daddy had never struck any of us, not ever. He just didn’t believe in it. Even at our worst, and Jess and I were hellions at times, he never raised his hands to us.

“Why? Why did daddy hit you? What happened?”

“Nothing happened sissy, honest, I didn’t do anything. I just asked him a question.”

“What did you ask him Steve?” I threw the question at him with an abruptness that startled both of us, because I could taste the bitter fear growing inside of me as I awaited his answer. I was afraid I already knew what Steven would say, but I had to hear him say it.

“All I asked him was … sniff … sniff … “Where’s Momma?”

“Where’s Momma?” The question echoed in my head over and over again. I knew that everything was too perfect … or was it? Looking back I guess you could say all of the signs were there. Momma was never really happy here, not really. Sure, she put on a false smile, but when we moved to the farm right before Steven was born, it was like she became an empty shell of her former self. There was a skeleton rambling around our house in Momma’s skin but there was no soul there, no enjoyment, and no love. It was all gone. I guess Jess and I both knew it, but we didn’t want to see it. And Stevie, well he was too young to know any other mom than that. I was more a mother to him those six years then Momma ever was. I don’t know why Daddy didn’t see it. Or maybe, like us, he just chose not to. I knew they didn’t seem to talk much after we moved out here and you would rarely see them kissing and hugging like they did once. So it should have been no surprise to any of us that she packed up all of her stuff and took off one night. It shouldn’t have been, but it was. It struck us like a wrecking ball hits an old dilapidated building, tearing us all apart in one humongous blow.

Chapter Two: The Letter

To understand my parents, I guess you would have to understand where we came from. My parents were married really young. He was eighteen and she was seventeen. It seems so young to me, after all Jess is already eighteen and I know that he is no way ready for marriage. But I guess things were different in those days, especially when you did something as scandalous as getting pregnant out of wedlock. Yep! That’s what happened with my parents, Jess was conceived before they were married. I did the math once. It was exactly eight months after they were hitched that he was born, so I guess they were already engaged if that makes a difference at all. Jess was born in the spring of 1939. I know from my momma’s stories that they didn’t have a lot then, but they were very happy. Two years later they had me. I was born in July of 1941, a few months before the US declared war on Germany. My daddy was drafted shortly after that so I was almost four years old before I saw anything but his picture. I wasn’t even frightened of him though. I ran to him with my arms open wide; it was as if I knew that I was his girl.

We lived in a little house right near Main Street in town. We went to the public school there, much to my grandma’s horror. She felt that we were neglecting our Catholic roots by going to public school and dad felt that we were just escaping the really strict nuns that he always talked about. It was a constant argument between daddy and Grandma Lucy, but it wasn’t the only one. I don’t think Grandma ever really got over daddy marrying her only girl and the fact that Momma was already expecting at the time broke her heart.

We were so happy in our little house there. Daddy worked in the offices of the local bank. He was an accountant or something like that. He didn’t make a lot of money. He was always grumbling about some imagined expense, but he was at least good-natured about it.

It all changed the year that I was ten and Jess was eleven. Momma was pregnant again and she seemed happy. I know that Jess and I were looking forward to having a baby in the house. We were getting ready, helping momma paint the nursery and getting the old baby things out of storage. But then in an instant everything was different. One day some men came to see Momma. I don’t know what they talked about cause it was kept away from us. We were sent outside to play while the grown-ups talked in the kitchen. I remember that I didn’t like those men. They wore dark suits and shiny black shoes. They carried little notebooks with them and they wrote lots of things down in there. They were shifty-eyed, like they were suspicious of everyone and everything. They left soon enough and Momma went up to her room and just lay there. She tried to hide it from us but we knew she was crying. We kept asking her what was wrong but she wouldn’t tell us. She kind of just stayed on the bed, curled up in a ball, rocking a little with her hand on her belly. Jess and I were scared. We didn’t know where daddy was, so we called Grandma who came over as soon as she could.

Grandma Lucy was great to us that day, and I’m glad of it because that was the last time I would see her for a very long while, so those memories of her had to last. I would cling to them sometimes when I was frightened or alone. She rambled about the kitchen making sandwiches and soup for us. She kept muttering things though. It was as if she was talking to herself in search of an answer that just wouldn’t come. She kept talking about Momma and the poor babe. She was saying something about knowing that that man was no good from the start. I asked her whom she was talking about but she just gave me a tray of cookies and lemonade and sent me out to the front porch, then she took care of Momma.

Daddy came home late that night. He smelled of cigarette smoke and another scent that I didn’t recognize. Many years later, upon stumbling on an empty bottle, I would learn that the smell was Scotch, but daddy rarely drank so I didn’t recognize it then. We were sent to bed as soon as he came home. Momma came out of her room then. I saw her as I left the bathroom that night. She looked done-in, tired and remarkably older then her twenty-eight years. She and daddy stayed up all night and talked. Sometimes they were quiet and sometimes their voices were frightfully loud. This was a new sound in our house. They never argued before. We were kept home from school for the rest of the week; in fact, we were not even allowed to venture past our own yard. That Friday, we got into daddy’s truck and we left our cozy little home. We moved out to the farm and that was where we stayed.

Steven was born in the house not long after that. Momma didn’t seem the same then. She rarely smiled. Well, I can’t say that, she smiled on occasion but it never reached her eyes. She didn’t take to the baby the way that we did and I could never understand that. Steven would cry for hours and Momma never went to him. Poppa was always too tired or too busy to see to him and so Jess and I took turns making him bottles and changing his diapers. He grew up happy and remarkably content in spite of them. You could tell that all was not right though. Whenever he got hurt or was frightened, he never called out for anyone but his Jessie and Sissy. I can’t say that they never made a fuss over him. Momma always made him a cake on his birthday or was giving him some other sweet when there was no occasion at all and daddy was forever carving him some new toy. But all that they gave him could never make up for the love that they didn’t. It was as if in some strange way, they blamed all of their troubles on him. Or maybe he was just the pinnacle of their problems. He was born so soon after we moved that he might have seemed like a symbol to them, an emblem of whatever went wrong that day. I gave up trying to figure out why they were like that a long time ago and Steven never seemed to question it. He accepted it as if that was his cross to bear in life and I think their emotional neglect of him gave him the wisdom and strength that made him seem wise beyond his years.

Momma home-schooled us until we were old enough to go to high school and we did that in a neighboring town. Daddy was actually good at farming, much to everyone’s surprise. And no one ever talked about the day we left town, ever. Jess and I could only speculate about it or listen to the rumors that would occasionally come our way in school. Our friends never said anything about it, if they knew at all. Sometimes you would hear their parents talk in hushed whispers when we were around. Some ladies meaning to be kind I suppose would ask after us “poor dears” or ask how our “poor momma” was doing. I usually wanted to throttle them when they spoke that way, but I maintained my lady-like decorum and answered a polite “yes”, “no,” or “fine thank you” to their questions. Jess just walked away or on occasion told them that they were “old biddies” and to “mind their own business.” I reproached him when he said things like that. I knew that Momma and Poppa for all of their faults wanted us to be respectful to our elders, but I secretly wished I had the gumption to say to them just what Jess did.

So, that brings us up to that eventful day I suppose. Now you know why it was that momma was never happy and why we should not have been surprised when she left us. But we were. Our house seemed empty without her there. There was no trace of her. She packed up everything, all of her clothes, all of her jewelry, everything. The only thing that she left behind was a note. It was kind of strange, the note started out of kind of faint and scratchy as if she was afraid or unsure, but the last words were bold and clear as if she was doing the right thing. I guess that’s pretty much how she felt. It read:

My dear ones:

I find that the time has come for me to leave you. I can’t stay here any longer. I am not myself anymore; in fact, I have forgotten how to be me. You will all get along better without me, I am sure. Jess, you are almost an adult now, take care of your sister and your brother. You are strong and capable and will make a fine man. I trust you with their care. Watch out for them and make sure that no one hurts them. Lucinda, you are a beautiful young lady. You are smart and capable of accomplishing great things. Don’t let anyone stand in the way of that. Steven, I may not have always shown it, but momma loves you very much. You will always be my baby. Listen to your Jessie and Sissy, they will look out for you. Remember that I love you all very much. I loved your father too, too much I think. I am going west, to friends of mine in California. I will write to you when I am settled and you can all come see me some day soon, perhaps come to live with me here, once I get my head together. Take care of yourselves.

Always,

Momma

So that was how Momma left us, there was nothing else save her wedding ring and Daddy gave that to me. I wore it around my neck on a chain all that summer.

We grew up then, because we had to. Daddy seemed more incapable of dealing with the loss then anyone. He found comfort in the bottom of a bottle. He let the farm go and Jess tried to revive it as much as I tried to become the perfect housewife. We were just kids though, doing nothing more then playing at house, and like all games when you’re kids, it gets tiring really fast. Jess was angry. He wanted to be out with his friends. He was going into his senior year in high school and farming was the last thing he had on his mind. I couldn’t cope with all of the housework and taking care of Stevie and Daddy too. I went to bed most nights filled with exhaustion and crying myself to sleep. I knew that I could not carry on much longer and I had to do something before we all cracked up like Momma did. I did the only thing reasonable I could. I made a phone call. I didn’t know if the call would go through. If the number had changed I wouldn’t have known it. If she was even there it would be a miracle but I had to try.

Remarkably, Grandma Lucinda answered the phone very quickly, although it seemed an eternity to me. I kept my voice in a whisper, as I didn’t want Daddy to know what I was doing. He was sleeping when I called her, I checked first. It was not that he was a mean drunk. He seemed really sorry that he had struck Stevie that day, but we still tiptoed around him, afraid now of what he could become.

“Grandma?” I asked hesitantly.

“What? Who is this? Speak up please!”

“Grandma, I can’t speak up, it’s me Lucinda.”

“Yes, this is Lucinda. Who is this?”

I groaned inwardly at this point … was Grandma too feeble to help us? I spoke a little louder. “Grandma, it’s me … Lucinda.”

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening.

“Lucinda? Is it really you child?”

“Yes, Grandma,” I said with a sigh of relief, “It’s me. We need you Grandma, we need your help.”

Grandma hesitated to answer me, “What is it child? Does your mother know you are calling me?”

“She’s gone, Granny. She left last month for California. We’ve been trying to hold things together but Daddy is not feeling well now and we can’t cope. Jess would never admit it, but we need help.” I didn’t want to tell her about daddy’s new habit. I was afraid to lay all of our problems on her at once, at least not until I knew where we stood. Grandma startled me when she let out a sob that she had tried to restrain.

“Are you okay Grandma?”

“I’m fine dear. It’s just; I can’t believe she left without saying goodbye.”

“I think she was ashamed to be leaving and she was probably afraid if she stuck around too long she would never get the courage to leave,” I said, voicing my own answers to the questions I had asked so many times. It was the first time I had said that aloud and it felt better in some small way.

“You said your daddy is sick, child. Is he really sick or just missing your momma or is there some other illness that might explain it, something that might be found in the empty comfort of alcohol?” Grandma asked, and it was the first inkling I had that the old lady’s wits were indeed still about her. In fact, she was as sharp as a tack.

“He … uh …” I hesitated, not wanting to betray my daddy but knowing that I could not disguise those bloodshot eyes or the countless empty bottles that piled up around his office. I was never allowed in there, not even to clean it. “He’s drinking Granny, everyday, all day.”

“That’s what I thought, child. Aw, you poor children. All right, pack up your suitcases, you and Jess, and I’ll come get you in the morning. Then we’ll see about finding some help for your daddy. Right now, though, it’s not a safe place for you to be.”

“But Grammy….”

“Yes dear? Come on don’t dawdle.”

“What about Stevie?” I didn’t actually think Grandma didn’t mean for us to bring him, but I don’t think I could have borne the thought of another person blaming him or not loving him as I did right at that moment.

“Who is Stevie? A pet of yours or something?”

“No Grammy! Stevie is our brother; he’s six. You remember, Momma was having him when we left town.” Good gracious! If she had forgotten that maybe she was getting senile.

“What? You mean that child survived? I tried to get in contact with your mother after you all left, but your father would have none of it. He told me that the child didn’t make it. Oh, I’m so happy that I have another grandchild. Oh, I can’t wait to see you all. Pack up all your suitcases, honey,. You’re coming with me tomorrow!”

“All right Grammy. I have to go now, before Daddy wakes up. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

I hung up the phone feeling one hundred percent better. I didn’t know how Daddy or the boys would take it but I felt I had done the right thing. I waited until late that night after Daddy had passed out again to tell them. I knocked on Jess’ door and brought him and Stevie to my room.

“What’s up Cinder?” asked Jess, feeling all of the tension of the situation at hand and looking every bit the haggard boy that I knew him to be.

“You need to pack. I called Grammy today and asked for her help.”

“We have a Grammy?” asked Steven with an air of hurt about him as if we had deliberately kept the greatest and most treasured secret on earth from him.

“You did what?” Jess shouted.

“Shhhh! You’ll wake daddy. I called her Jess. I told her what was going on. We can’t do this. This house is no place for any of us to be until daddy gets sober again. Stevie is afraid of him and he’s too much for me to take care of. This farm is too big for you to handle anyway. You should be out having fun, not stuck around here looking out for us.”

I was prepared for Jess to be angry, but not for the hurt that I saw on his face.

“But, taking care of you, of this farm, that’s my job. That’s what Momma asked me to do. I have to stay here Lucinda. What would daddy do without us? Who’s going to take care of him? We can’t go.”

“Be reasonable Jess. Daddy isn’t going to get help until he is ready to accept it. He can’t take care of us if he’s drunk all the time. Momma asked you to look out for us, all of us, yourself included. This is what she would want us to do, Jess. Let’s let the grownups take care of us for a change. I’m tired of cleaning up their messes!”

“Alright, Sissy, alright. I guess we’ll go then,” Jess said, borrowing Steve’s nickname for me for a moment, “Grammy is such a nice old lady anyway. You’re gonna love her Stevie. I’m just not sure what daddy will have to say about all of this.”

“I don’t know either Jess, but right now, I don’t care anymore. I just want to be somewhere that I can be myself again, where you can relax and not worry so much and where Stevie can play like a normal kid instead of tiptoeing around all of the time.”

So we went to our rooms to pack our belongings in whatever suitcase or bags we could find. I helped Stevie pack as many toys as he could take and then we went to bed. We all slept a little easier that night, knowing that tomorrow was going to be better for all of us.

Chapter Three: Grammy

I was up before the crack of dawn the next day. I didn’t sleep much … who could when you weren’t sure what life would bring you around the next corner? So, being awake before the rest of the house, I took the opportunity to move our suitcases out of our bedroom and down the road a little ways. I didn’t want daddy to take them back. I was through staying here and I wanted to get away without a big fight. Still, we had to tell him, had to say something.

Jess and Stevie were awake and moving around shortly after seven that morning. It was still three hours until Gram said she’d be there. Three hours more to say our goodbyes to a man who was not even aware we were there half  the time. We killed time just hanging on the front porch. There was no looking out for Jess’ friends. They hadn’t been around in a very long time. He met them elsewhere; they preferred to stay away from the house. I had cooked daddy a big breakfast that morning. I guess it was my way of saying goodbye and of telling him I was sorry we had to go. Daddy just looked at the breakfast as if it turned his stomach. He grabbed a piece of toast and walked away. I had to stop Jess from going after him. He would have done something; said something he would have regretted down the road. I had to stop him; the price wasn’t worth cost of the snubbed meal.

It was almost ten in the morning when Daddy finally noticed that we weren’t around the house much. He staggered out the front door and stared at us through intoxicated eyes.

“What’re you all doing out here?” he slurred. When he spoke, you had to move back, it was an involuntary motion. His breath stunk like the inside of a distillery. He needed the doorframe just to support his stance. This was not my father staring back at me. I was the first to speak. I had to be … this was all my doing. Thankfully, Grammy’s car came rumbling up the road at the same time. He looked at us. His eyes were darting from one to the other. I watched the emotions flicker across his face, first fear, and then sadness, followed by confusion, selfishness, and anger. It was bizarre –  like you were watching one of those books that had pictures on the corner and if you flipped it fast enough it would move.

“We’re leaving Daddy. We love you but we have to go. This isn’t the right place for us to be right now. You’re scaring us and we can’t take care of ourselves. We love you.” I said it again. I felt like we were deserting him. I felt shameful but right at the same time.

“They’re coming with me, Hank. Don’t try to interfere. They need someone to look after them. They need to be somewhere safe. You need time to get over her and to straighten yourself out. Come for them then, when you’re sober,” Grammy told him as she moved to put the suitcases in the car, and I felt as though she was our biggest ally, our champion.

Daddy stared at her. He looked at her with fierceness in his eyes, like he was cold-hearted and he hated her and the world. Maybe he did at that point. I wasn’t sure what he felt or was thinking. He never seemed to feel anything anymore. Alcohol does that to you. It gives you that blessed release, but you pay for it when you’re sober. He stared back at me, then Jess, and then looked at Steven as if he wasn’t even seeing him. He looked back at me again. He hated me; I could feel it. It was not an easy feeling to take in.

“You did this. You planned this didn’t you? You’re a slut just like she is, just like your mother, a conniving little witch. You don’t care about anyone do you?” he screamed.

I took it all in and absorbed his words like a sponge. I thought I had my deflector on. I thought I was impenetrable to anything he could have said. I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. I felt his words. They cut through my psyche like hundreds of shards of glass ripping at my soul. I sobbed and I ran to Grammy who held me close to her chest. My sobs were wracking my body. I didn’t look up at him again. I couldn’t.

Jess heard it all and Stevie, seeing all and knowing more then he should, ran to the car and jumped in. He hid his face behind his hands, knowing that men don’t cry and he was trying hard to be a man like Jessie.

Jess spoke in a controlled voice, too controlled, too quiet. His words came out between clenched teeth. “That’s it dad, be a man for a change and blame all your problems on a woman. That’s all you ever did, you coward! I know the truth about you! What did Lucy ever do to you? She practically raised your son when she was just a kid herself. She took care of you and your house when you couldn’t have cared less about us all. You’re too wrapped up in your own little problems to see what is in front of your face. You did this dad; you drove us away. And if you ever speak to her like that again, I will hurt you daddy, I will hurt you!” It wasn’t the only time Jessie would stand up to protect me, but it’s probably the one I remember the clearest.

Daddy took one long look at Jess, judging the man that stood before him, no longer a boy. They had robbed him of his childhood, and I hated them for it, both of them. I saw him do it before it happened. I saw Daddy draw back his hand and I wanted to yell but I could not find the right words. I could not find my voice. I straightened up from Grammy and started to run towards them. I didn’t know what I would do when I got there but I had to protect Jess the way he did me. I tripped over a suitcase on the way up to the porch and Jess turned to look at me. Daddy used the opportunity to let his fist fly and make contact with Jess’ face. He went reeling backwards over the rail and landed on the ground near me. I reached him in slow motion and cradled his head in my lap. His face was already turning purple from where Dad hit him. Jess made his way to his feet and looked back just once. Cradling his swollen cheek, he got into the car next to Stevie and put his arm out and drew him close.

“Get help Daddy. We love you.” I said and I picked up the last suitcase and sat in the front of Grammy’s car. Grammy stared at him. I wanted her out of there before the hatred and anger swallowed her too. I figure it must be an evil thing at that farm, something that made people lose themselves to insanity. This moment felt surreal. She shook her head and got in the car. We didn’t talk till we got to her house, each of us were lost in our own thoughts.

We arrived at Grammy’s house in a short time. I looked at the town around it. Didn’t seem like things had changed much. Didn’t seem like things ever changed around here. I guess that’s the way it is in small quiet towns like this. This was our home now. I wondered what it held in store for us.

Grammy let us in the house. “Get settled. You’ll be able to figure out which room is which, “she said with a wink. “I have to go to the supermarket and get some supplies. Never did keep enough in my house to feed three growing children before. Oh, and Jess, I’ll bring back a steak for your face. Go and put some ice on it now.” Then before she left she touched us, laid her hand on each one of us as if to see if we were really, truly in front of her. The look in her eyes was full of tenderness and love; longing for the relationships lost and for those that we would build. We let her go without a word. We needed time to get settled ourselves, and then we would talk. Grammy understood that.

I sank down in the first chair I could find. It was a deep, comfortable chair and I felt my eyes close. I was worn out by the tumultuous emotions of the morning, and I felt something else, something I did not recognize. Stevie crawled up on my lap. “I don’t like it here, Sissy It smells funny. Grandma smells funny. And it doesn’t feel right here, never like it did at home. When’s daddy coming to get us?”

I looked at him. His eyes were like big pools of blue, betraying the young child that still lived inside that wise little man. I was shocked that he still wanted daddy after all he had seen, but I don’t think it was daddy that he wanted. I think he was longing for the familiar. “Stevie, honey, you just want something that’s the same. It’s hard to leave what you know and come to someplace new,” I said while I stroked his hair and thought that this poor child had had more trouble in his little life than most people go through in a lifetime.

“Jessie and I are here with you now. The smell is lilac. It’s Grammy’s favorite. I remember it from when we were kids and the feeling that you feel is safety,” I said, giving words to my own emotions at the same time. “You feel safe, Stevie.”

“What about Daddy?” Stevie asked again. “When will he come? When will he get better?”

“We don’t know that Steve. Daddy will come when he’s ready I guess.” Jess answered him but we caught each other’s eyes then and I think we both felt at that point that we would never see Daddy again.

“I know!” I said brightly trying to shake off that feeling of impending doom, “Let’s see about setting your room up. We’ll put your toys upstairs and make it a home. What do you say?” Stevie nodded with enthusiasm at the mention of his toys. “Last one upstairs is a rotten egg!” I cried and I started for the stairs with a joy I had not known in a long time. I was determined to make this work.

We ran up the stairs two at a time with our suitcases in tow. The first room we came to was Grammy’s. It was beautifully decorated in an old Victorian style, the stuff that little girl’s dreams were made of. I guess Grammy was still a kid at heart.

The next room was Jess’. It was spacious. The first thing you noticed when you walked in was the bed. It was a single four-poster bed covered with a royal blue quilt. There was a desk in the room, complete with a typewriter. The walls were covered with banners from Jess’ football team and from the favorite local teams. On the bureau was a record player and stacked neatly next to it was all kinds of music that was so popular at the time. Jess ran in and flipped through the pile: Elvis, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, The Coasters, and many more. There were car magazines on the nightstand and a dartboard on the closet door. Grammy had thought of everything.

While Jess enjoyed his loot, Steve and I ran to my room to see what awaited us there. It was like Christmas morning. I threw open the door and I sighed in awe. My bed was decorated with a peach quilt and a lace canopy. I also had a record player and a typewriter. I had a vanity in my room. The vanity held a brush, comb and a mirror. There was a jewelry box there too but I didn’t look inside it yet. On the nightstand were a few books, romances, and a diary with a lock. It wasn’t until I heard Stevie scream that I came out of my reverie, and I almost bumped into Jess in our rush to get to him.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, as I got to his room, breathless I might add. He was standing in the doorway his jaw hanging down. He had bunk beds in his room. There was a toy-box in the corner filled with all sorts of things a boy would like: footballs, baseballs and bats, soldiers, Western sets with cowboys and Indians. There was no typewriter, but in its place sat a microscope and a telescope still in its box. There was no stereo but on the floor was a racetrack, already set up for him. He could hardly wait to try it out.

A voice from behind found us, “I see you found your rooms.” Grammy smiled at us, her surprise had made the magic she would have hoped.

“But Grammy, how…why…where did all this come from?” Jess asked in astonishment.

“Don’t stand there with your mouths open, you’ll catch flies, my sweets.” Grammy chuckled. “It’s simple … every year I bought you a Christmas present and every year you never came. I returned them when I didn’t see you and kept the money aside. I used it for the things in your rooms. That’s why I came so late this morning. And Stevie, well I just thought about what little boys liked and voila! Now for heaven’s sake, put this steak on your face!” Grammy laughed. Jess did as he was told and I ran over to hug her. She returned my hug as tightly as I gave it … full of love.

“Now for some chores!” said Grammy, “How about you unpack your things and I go down and make us some chocolate chip cookies? That is unless I have a volunteer to help me. Can’t make them on my own you know, need a chip taster and such.”

I nudged Stevie ahead to her. “I’ll unpack your stuff, go on now,” I whispered and he shyly went towards Grammy. She put out her hand and he put his little one in hers. Finding at last where it belonged. Those were the best cookies we ever had!      

Chapter Four: A Friendly Face in the Crowd

The remainder of the summer was blissfully uneventful. Jessie went back to playing around with his friends, Grammy took care of Stevie, and I did my best to help her around the house. I couldn’t help but feel a little useless though and a little jealous. Stevie was infatuated with Grandma. She was fast becoming his caretaker and his confidant. Grammy often asked me why I didn’t see my friends, but I explained to her that they were a full town away and none of us could drive yet. Jesse wouldn’t dream of letting me go with him. They just couldn’t be men with a girl around, he would tell me.

We didn’t hear from daddy at all or hear of him for that matter. I was guessing that was a good thing. If we hadn’t heard from him, nothing bad had happened. I sent a letter to momma to tell her where we were. I got a flimsy postcard back that said, “Wish you were here.” I doubted it. Momma said she was having a grand time in California. She was glad that we were with Grammy and she would write to us soon.

Somehow, I felt anger overtake me where once I had tried to understand. Momma seemed more and more selfish to me. She didn’t even care about the mess she had made of our lives and of daddy’s. I tore up the post card and never showed it to anyone else. Perhaps that was selfish of me, but I would rather they believe that momma was thinking about us and was miserable without us, rather then know she took a permanent vacation from her family.

September came and with it the new school season. Jesse was allowed to go back to our old school. After all, what would they do without the captain of their football team? Cindy Lou was there too. Jesse had learned how to drive that summer but we couldn’t afford a car for him. Still the members of the football team were close and they would come and pick him up every day if they had to, especially Tom. I still delighted in seeing him but because I was younger, he paid no mind to me.

Grammy didn’t “cotton” to a girl going all that way to school. She thought I would do better at the school right here in town, where I could make some local friends and go to dances and the like. I tried to explain to her that I was not a social butterfly, but all she would say was, “Nonsense child! You haven’t met the right people yet. Just you wait and see.”

Stevie would also start a new school. It was different for him though. He had never been to school before. He was turning seven soon.  Grammy enrolled him in the local Catholic school. He was looking forward to it as a brand-new adventure. It tore my heart to be with him sometimes. He was fast becoming his own person under the guidance and love of our Grammy. Stevie didn’t need me and Jess so much anymore. The baby in him was gone.

Jesse caught me staring at Stevie once, my eyes moist. I guess Jess knew how I was feeling. He must have felt the change in him. Walking over to me he put his hand on my shoulder, “It’s a good thing Cinder, you were too young to be a mom to him.” I reached my hand up and patted his. He smiled at me and left for the day.

The first day of school dawned with a bright orange sun. I looked at it mournfully. What right did that darn sun have to be cheerful on a day like this?  I was dreading it. I dressed carefully. I took out one of my new white shirts with the Peter Pan collars. I donned a checked skirt and my new bobby socks and saddle shoes. Carefully, I arranged my long red hair in a ponytail on top of my head, and I looked the part of a very confident teenager, even if I wasn’t. Momma once told me that nothing else mattered as long as you looked your best. It’s funny how her advice would get a hold of my mind from time to time, even though I tried my best to block it out.

I walked up the steps of the school, books under one arm. A few groups of girls were on the steps. Some nodded and some smiled but none tried to make my acquaintance. I found my classes with little or no problem and it wasn’t until my name was read from the roster that I started noticing some people giving me strange looks. Even a few of the teachers would raise an eyebrow at the reading of my name and then look away when they made eye contact with me. I started to feel like I had a disease, and I was the only one not aware of it.

By the time lunch had rolled around, I was miserable. I had made not one friend but a thousand enemies. All eyes were upon me when I entered the cafeteria. I sat down at a table by myself and feigned interest in my history book while I nibbled at my sandwich. Some of the girls that I had seen that morning would pass by and whisper and giggle nervously. Occasionally they would nod in my direction or the truly ignorant would point thinking that I was not noticing or feeling their small grudges. I didn’t notice the few pairs of eyes that stared at me and saw me as a person and not just a rumor. I wasn’t aware that they even existed.

So, my first day of school was miserable and the rest of the week continued much like that. I didn’t tell Grammy or anyone at home for that matter. I didn’t want to worry anyone. When Grammy expected me to be out with my friends, I would go to the library and lose myself in books or go to the park and stare enviously at the kids goofing off and having fun. I wanted to be friends with them. But I didn’t know how to make the overtures anymore then they wanted to be friends with “that O’Brien girl.”  I didn’t know how I got to be that, a faceless countenance reduced to a last name, but I was.

The next week started much the same way. But one day, as a sat at lunch, feeding the rumor mill with my solitude, a voice broke my concentration.

“Don’t pay them any mind. They are just a bunch of gossips around here that have nothing more intelligent to do with their time.”

I looked up at the face that went with the soft-spoken masculine voice. The smile that returned mine belonged to a teenage boy, about the same age as me. He was intelligent… I could tell that just by looking at him. Far from handsome, he had a full face and large brown eyes that were hidden behind wire-rimmed glasses. He wasn’t tall. I would guess around five-five. Amazed that someone was actually talking to me, I forgot my manners.

“Can I sit? Or is this table reserved for someone else?” He laughed and I blushed.

“Sure sit down. My name is Lucinda. My friends, when I have them, call my Lucy.”

“I’m Joe and it’s nice to meet you Lucy.” He extended his hand in an offer of friendship. Well, one smiling face is an anchor in the day I suppose, and I accepted his hand warmly.

Our friendship grew stronger over those lunches. Every day he would sit with me and every day no one but he would give me a second of their time. There was at least one other pair of eyes that looked upon me favorably, but I wasn’t aware of them; that person told me about it years later.

Eventually all their snubs, their rumors, their whispering got the better of me. I broke down one day, fleeing from the cafeteria and into the bathroom. Joe waited outside for me. When I came out, he slung his arms around my shoulders, “It’s alright kiddo. It’s alright.”

“Joe, what is it? Why do they talk about me like that? I want to know. Do I look different? Did I do something strange? What?” I had mulled these questions over many times in my mind, but I had not thought of an answer. All the typical teenage insecurities put the blame on me; never thinking there might me another reason.

“No Lucy, it’s not you. It’s, well, because of your dad. That’s why they don’t accept you.” I swallowed hard at that bit of news. I guess I was the only one who had an alcoholic for a father, but I wondered how they all found out about it.

Lunchtime conversations turned into walking home from school together. Jess would tease me when I was with him. “Cinder has a boyfriend! Cinder has a boyfriend.” But we were nothing like that to each other. We were only friends, but very good friends. He was more like a girlfriend to me. Once I began to trust Joe, I shared with him my life story and Joe took it all in stride. Joe was great. He never expected more of me then I was willing to share with him. And he was very supportive.

Walks home from school grew into hanging out. We went to movies and diners together. Joe didn’t dance so I still never went to the sock hops. We must have seen Vertigo a dozen times.

Grammy liked Joe but she wondered at my lack of girlfriends. I would not tell her. If they could not accept me because my father drank, I didn’t want any part of them. And I didn’t want Grammy to worry about me anymore then she did already.

Chapter Five: Daddy’s Gone

Being ignored in school as one thing but being in trouble in school was quite another. I was the good kid. I never made any more noise then was necessary. I answered questions when asked and that was it. So, it came as a shock to me when I was in US History class and the teacher received a note that was about me. The messenger delivered it, and I can remember my teacher reading it. He looked at me and I swore for just an instant there was sympathy in his eyes. “Ms. O’Brien please report to the principal’s office immediately. Take your things with you.”

I heard some boys snicker behind me as I gathered up my books and left the classroom. What had I done? Did someone blame me for something? Surely my classmates weren’t that mean.

I knocked on the door and if things could really move in slow motion, they did from that moment on. My Grammy was there, her face white, stricken.

”Sit down, Lucinda,” said Mr. Waters, the principal, “We have something to tell you and it’s not an easy thing to hear.”

But I couldn’t sit down. My legs wouldn’t carry me from where I was standing. I knew before he said it. I knew before the words were out of his mouth that something terrible had happened.

“Your father passed away today, from a self-inflicted wound.”

I must have stared at him like I didn’t comprehend what he said. So Mr. Waters came closer to me and repeated, “He committed suicide Lucinda. I am sorry.” And as he reached for my hand to comfort me, I remember my whole world slipping away.  I could hear the muffled screams of my grandmother as I fell to the floor below, everything spiraling out of control.

I woke up in Grammy’s car; someone had carried me out there, I guess. We took a week off from school, like a week was enough time for anyone to handle news of that magnitude. Our father was gone… forever.

Stevie took it hard, but not as hard as us. It just didn’t seem real to him I guess, or maybe because he didn’t know the daddy that we did once upon a time. He was impatient to go back to school and see his friends and his teachers. He was thriving in his new environment, and I guess that was a good thing. Jess was angry with him for him not being more upset than he was, but I understood, at least I think I did.

Jess took it harder than all of us. He did leave on angry terms with dad after all. The last exchange between him and our father was the sound of dad’s fist colliding with Jess’ face. That’s a hell of a last memory to have I suppose. At first Jess was angry, then he became depressed, despondent. I tried to comfort him and so did Grammy, but it did not help him. It also did not help that none of his friends came to see him. I guess no one knew how to handle death and scandal all in one blow. It was a small town after all. I could make excuses for them. I could invent them just to make him feel better, but I guess Jess felt that no one really cared. I couldn’t blame him. Not even Cindy Lou was there to lend an ear.

Me, well I can’t say I was shocked, and I’ll never say I wasn’t crushed. Losing your daddy is about the hardest thing a girl ever has to go through. For the first eleven years of my life, I was his little girl, his princess and though his attitude changed when we moved to the farm, he still teased me. He still had a twinkle in his eyes for me, and he still told me he loved me in a hundred different ways; be it a pat on the back or a ballerina or a shooting star he had carved out of wood. I still love my daddy in spite of what he did, despite even what I learned about him later.

I tried to work through for all our sakes why he did it. I think in some small way, Jessie blamed all of us for leaving him. But I don’t think it mattered. He would have done it if we were there or not. He was not himself anymore. I think momma really broke his heart when she left. I guess he blamed himself. I was just glad he waited to do it until we left. Waking up to find his lifeless body in the house was something that none of us needed.

Grammy was the first to find out. She had sent someone out there, a friend of hers that counseled people in a big city up North. I don’t remember the person’s name. I can’t think of it and it doesn’t matter anymore. That’s who found him though and that’s who called the police to come and get his body.

Momma didn’t come home for the funeral. I wrote to her. There was no other way to tell her. She sent me a post card back from some commune, telling me that she was at peace with herself and maybe he was too. It was the first inkling I had that the sixties were on their way. I hated her even more. She should have come to us when we needed her. Even Grammy was upset, and she never even liked daddy. She was upset because she loved us, and we had suffered a profound loss in our lives.

Joe sent flowers.

Chapter Six: A Change in the Tides

Grammy always had a saying, “Out of every storm comes a rainbow.” She also used to say, “Behind every cloud there is a silver lining.” I guess everyone’s Grammy says that once. In this case the saying was right, well at least half right anyway.

I went back to school the next week, a little wiser, a little more serene, a lot more serious then when I had left it. I wanted to go in and get the days over with and get back to Jess and Stevie. I wanted to keep them closer now somehow. I felt my family dwindling a little every day. Jess went back to school too, but for him it was not the same. It would never be the same again.

The strangest thing happened to me when I walked up the school steps that Monday morning. Some of the groups of girls stopped talking and stared at me, then the stares turned into smiles and the smiles turned into, “Hi Lucy. How are you? Sorry to hear about your loss.”

It was so odd to hear anyone talk to me that I kind of forgot my voice. I didn’t know how to talk to them or what to say. Joe met me at the top of the stairs, as was our custom. He walked the halls with me and he returned every hello that came our way. He got high fives from the jocks and pats on the back from the teachers. Everyone was friendly. Everyone was being nice to me. I didn’t understand.

Joe explained it all at lunchtime that afternoon. It appeared that my father’s untimely passing was more fodder for the rumor mill. It spread like wild fire around the school. Joe took advantage of the rumor by having a very loud and vocal argument with the most popular girl in school over it. He told them that he explained to them that I knew nothing of my father’s past. He told her and the others that they should be ashamed of themselves for making me feel as unwelcome as they did. He emphasized that he had stood by me through everything and that he was my only true friend and that in my time of need they should all stop and ask themselves what they had done to his girl.

It did occur to me during his triumphant tirade that I should stop and ask him what he meant by my father’s past. However, that was before I caught the end of the speech about me being “his” girl. I was really enraged that he would say such a thing, but I never got the chance to tell him that. Our little lunch table for two was fast becoming the most crowded lunch table in school. There were so many people there we barely had room for ourselves. We were riding a wave of popularity and to tell you the truth, I liked it for a little while. For a while, there were people to talk to wherever you went. There was always a party to go to or a dance to attend. There was a crowd to go to the movies with or to hang at the diner with. I was always busy and looking back, I think keeping that busy helped me deal with my loss, for a while at least.

Perhaps the hands that fate had dealt me so far in life had taught me to be cynical. It might be that I was just smarter then my young years should have allowed. I wondered though how long this wave of popularity would last.  I was guessing it would last until the next major crisis came along and the pity party would hop on the next train to brighten someone else’s life. I was right of course. The instant there was someone else to pity, the crowd thinned out considerably. It wasn’t all bad. We made a few true friends out of the bunch. Both Joe and I were invited to all the parties and I went to all of the dances without him.

Chapter Seven: Cleo and Donny

Among the friends I made that year, two stick out more then others. One’s name was Cleo. She was a beautiful girl, with hair as blonde as mine was red. Her eyes were deep; they reminded me of Steve’s in a way. They were wise too like she stood more about life then she needed to; as if she had suffered but she was making it work despite all the blows that life had handed her. I didn’t know much about her life though. She was kind of funny like that. She never spoke about her family or had anyone to her house.

Cleo’s family had money, and lots of it. Her father was some big shot in town. He had a lot of power. I think he was president of the bank, and he held some political office too. I don’t remember what it was. Cleo had her own car and the latest clothes. She was constantly buying little trinkets for her friends. She had people around her all the time; the superficial kind of friends that like you because you have money but if it all disappeared, they would be gone with it. Cleo hated them. She called them “leeches.” I had to agree. The funny thing about Cleo was that she never smiled. She was never really happy. I guess money can’t buy everything.

Cleo was different too. She was strange. When everyone else was dressing in poodle skirts and saddle shoes, Cleo was wearing designer jeans and baggy shirts. Maybe that wasn’t intentional though. She was so skinny that clothes just hung on her body. I think that intentional or not, Cleo was responsible for half the trends in clothing for many years to come. She covered her jeans in peace symbols and ocean waves, hand-painted. While all the girls were listening to Elvis and swooning, Cleo was talking about some young start-up group called the Beatles that she had heard while touring Europe last summer. She had also been to visit her cousin in California. There she fell in love with the beach bands and some new group called the “Warlocks.”

Cleo was kind of a free spirit. She was intelligent…extremely. There wasn’t anything she couldn’t accomplish if she set her mind to it. It seemed to me though if you tried to capture her spirit or hold her too close, she would fly off into the night on a pair of gossamer wings. You couldn’t cage her or pigeonhole her. She would not stand to fall to the whim of mediocrity.  Cleo was destined for greatness, somehow and somewhere. I liked her because of her differences while most couldn’t stand her because of them.

Grammy didn’t like her at first either. She just didn’t understand her. Grammy would always beg for me to find friends that were “normal.” I just told her that Cleo was as honest a friend as you were going to get. It was Cleo that was watching me while the others were ignoring me. She wanted to see what I was like, if I was the kind of person that she could be friends with. I passed the test with flying colors she told me. I never knew what the credentials for being her friend were exactly. She never did say. I was just happy to be counted.

Cleo was a year ahead of me in school. It was she who introduced me to Donny. She insisted I would like this guy. He was a senior like her.  He wrote poetry. He was a social misfit like us she would say. I didn’t know what she meant by that, and I didn’t ask. She brought Donny with her to the diner one day after school.

He stood about 6’1”. His hair was jet black and it ended with a totally untamable curl above his right eye. He had dark eyes, smoldering eyes. He had lips that pouted always, even when he was smiling. When I saw him for the first time, I remember thinking that I would love to kiss those lips. The thought set something inside me ablaze. I had never felt that way about a guy before. He smiled at me and reached out his hand for mine.  Our eyes met and I swear it was like Venus electrically charged the air between us. Well maybe not Venus. Venus is the goddess of love and I think the word for what I was feeling was lust.

We held our hands clasped together for a moment longer then was necessary I guess, because I soon felt the cold clamminess that I recognized as Joe’s paw rushing to intervene in our handshake. Joe shook Donny’s hand, but his eyes were on me. He was looking at me as if I had destroyed everything he liked about me in one single touch. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong but there must have been something. He didn’t tell me, and I didn’t ask.

For the rest of the year and in that early summer that we were always together, the Four Musketeers: me, Joe, Donny and Cleo. Even if Cleo was busy, I always had Joe and Donny around. It seemed one was never there without the other. It was a shame really cause I had wanted to get to know Donny a little better, but it would be have to be without Joe. It was in the beginning of the summer though that a smaller disaster, but one all the same, struck home.

The school year did not fare as well for Jessie. When he went back after daddy died, it was as though no one wanted to be near him. He felt that everyone had abandoned him in his time of need. I thought it was because he had changed. Before Daddy died, Jess was carefree and fun, but daddy’s suicide seemed to have taken all the joy out of Jess’ life.  Grammy said Jess was afraid that he would wind up just like daddy. I think he blamed himself for daddy’s dying. Whatever the reason, Jess was not fun anymore. His football buddies were all about fun. They didn’t know what to make of their quiet captain. They didn’t know what to say or do to help him. No one did. Not even Cindy Lou.

Cindy Lou had been Jess’ girlfriend since high school had begun. It was a forgone conclusion that they would marry and settle down after school was out. I never liked her. She seemed artificial and she never was able to develop the brains that God gave her. Sometimes when she would blink, I would swear it was audible. I think it was the echo in her head; the cavern was that empty. Cindy Lou was interested in two things, her looks and Jess’. It meant so much to her to be going out with the most popular guy in school and the captain of the football team. But unfortunately, football season doesn’t last all year. Popularity can be a fleeting thing, especially if you change yourself just one little bit.

Two weeks before their big senior dance she announced that she was going with someone else. It “freaked her out” that she was dating someone whose father had died in such a violent manner. Jess was no fun anymore she said. So she was going to the dance with Tom Graham. In one swift moment, Jess had lost his best friend and his best girl. It sent him reeling into a deep depression. He almost didn’t graduate because he had let his grades drop so low.

On the night of graduation, Jess drank way too much. The local sheriff had no choice but to arrest him for public drunkenness when he stood outside of Cindy Lou’s house and sang Elvis songs to her window. Hell it must have been bad… Jess couldn’t sing when he was sober. Getting him out of jail near broke Grammy’s heart. It took him a few days to even go out in public again. And when he did, he drove to the nearest city where he signed his life away with the stroke of a pen. Jess came home that day in army greens. He was going to straighten his life out and that meant leaving behind this town and all the secrets that it held.

Chapter Eight: The Last Sweet Summer

June came; bringing with it the sticky humidity that makes you sick. For Joe and I, it was the last vacation before we had to get serious. Next year, we were the cream of the crop, the seniors. We would be dealing with our future, but for the time being, that worry was temporarily suspended in the magic time capsule of summer.

There was something about spending days at the beach with the wind in your hair, the warm rays of the sun glistening off your body and the sweet taste of the salty sea air on your lips that made eternal youth a possibility. Perhaps, this was what Ponce De Leon was searching for. The waves of the ocean might as well be the ripples in that proverbial fountain of youth.

For Donny and Cleo, well, their future was now. They had to stop playing this summer and decide what to do with the rest of their lives. As was typical of teenagers though, they pushed that worry off until later. This was just the beginning of a long, hot season of endless days and endless nights. Cleo had some ideas of going off to California to attend college and maybe search for some of the happiness that she couldn’t find here. It wasn’t common in those days for a girl to go off and further her education. But Cleo, well, she was anything but common and she had the money to do anything she wanted. I hope she would find it, a place where she belonged and where she would be accepted for being herself. Donny wasn’t sure where he was going or what he wanted to do. I was kind of glad they were sticking around for the summer. It would make Jess’ absence a little less gloomy.

The last night that Jess was home, Grammy made all  his favorites for supper. She cried. I don’t think she was too sad though. It seemed to me that if anything, Grammy was proud of the decision that Jess had made. I think she felt the army would straighten him out. And since we were in peaceful times, with no wars looming around the corner, it would make a man out of him, the way it had Gramps, who was a career soldier until he passed away. I couldn’t eat. The lump in my throat impeded my swallowing anything but a few bites of cornbread. Jess knew what I was feeling but he said that this was something he had to do. There was no life in this town. The town did something funny to you when it held secrets. I wondered what he meant by that until I fell asleep; no closer to an answer then I had been hours before.

Jeff left the next morning at sunrise. Grammy and Stevie stayed in their rooms. Maybe they didn’t want to say goodbye or maybe they couldn’t. I don’t think they were sleeping…who could? I think maybe they knew we needed time together. After all, we had faced a lot together and this was just one more goodbye for us in what was becoming a very long list.

“Well Cinder, I guess this is it. I have to leave soon.”

I was trying to be brave and hold back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. “I’m going to miss you, Jess.” I said as quietly as a mouse. Affection did not come easy for me.

“I’m going to miss you too Cinder. Don’t let those kids at school give you any more grief. You hear?”

I nodded my head dumbly. I never knew that he knew.

“And don’t let Donny break your heart. He’s just one in a long line of hearts that will fall to you kid.”

I blushed and the tears fell unwanted, unbidden down my cheeks. He reached up with his hand and brushed them away, the gesture so gentle it made me want to cry harder. I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, hoping that he would take something of me with him, hoping that I could keep some of him here with me.

The taxi pulled up to the curb and he laughed at me as he untangled my arms from around his neck. “I’ll be back Cinder, just you wait and see,” he said. He climbed into the taxi, and it began to pull away, but then it stopped. He opened the door and for an instant I wondered if he had second thoughts.

But he just added, “Hey Cinder?”

“Yeah?”

“Do me a favor and find out the truth about daddy,” and with that mysterious statement he stuck out his tongue and with a chuckle, got in the car and left.

I didn’t know what he meant by it but far too many things had cropped up about daddy now. I was determined to find out, but it had to wait until exactly the right moment. When that moment came, I would ask Grammy. Grammy would tell me everything I needed to know.

Chapter Nine: Seventeen and Secrets

July 2, 1958 brought my seventeenth birthday. It was the first birthday that I had had in a long while that I remember looking forward to. I was actually happy. Stevie was happy too and was doing so well. Grammy took great care of him and loved him as if he were her own. I guess in a way he was. He was the last piece of her daughter that she had.

I was still hoping that momma would come home. I was the only one that had any contact with her. I always thought it would be cruel to let Grammy and Stevie in on the secret and get their hopes up for nothing. I wasn’t going to share until I was sure she was going to come home. I wouldn’t tell until I got a letter that proved she was mentally stable. Grammy didn’t need more grief and Stevie didn’t need reminders. Sometimes growing up before you were supposed to is hard. There were days when you just wish you could unburden all your problems on the ones you love; only you never want your problems to become their problems. So all of you suffer in silence. Families are funny that way.

My friends had planned a party for me at the beach and Grammy was catering it. She cooked all her best: fried chicken, deviled eggs, salads of all kinds, cornbread, little bite size sandwiches, and a great big vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. She told me I could stay out as late as I wanted, within reason of course. Grammy was great. She just wanted me to be happy.

Grammy had taken Stevie shopping earlier in the week and I thought he was going to burst out of his seat before breakfast was over. He told me he had a surprise for me and he could not wait to share it. I didn’t think he meant share it literally, but he did. What do you want from a seven-year-old boy?

We finished breakfast in a hurry and he told me to close my eyes. I did. and I was really surprised when I felt something warm and soft brush up against my arm and then land with a thud in my lap. I was even more surprised when it moved. Stevie yelled at me to open my eyes, and on my lap was the cutest little beagle puppy I had ever seen. He had great big beautiful brown eyes and a big red bow tied around his neck.

“I figured since Grammy was taking care of me now, you might want something of your own to take care of again.” Stevie said sheepishly, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “Course I would love to help you take care of him and all. And teach him to do tricks and stuff, cause girls can’t do that kind of thing.”

He was so cute, this little brother of mine. “Oh they can’t, can’t they? I asked him. “I think this is just a ploy to get me to share him with you. How would you like to puppy sit while I got to my party tonight?” I asked him, thinking all the while that he really did know more then I thought. Stevie was real intuitive sometimes. His grin from ear to ear was the only answer I needed.

“Hey Stevie,” I said as I scratched behind the ear of my new friend. “What shall we call him?”

“Dunno” said Stevie and started to contemplate it. “How about Buster?”

“Been done. We need something original. How about… hmmm how about Soldier? In honor of Jess.”

“Soldier works! That’s great Sissy,” he said and then he asked if he could take him for a walk. I told him he could and he had Soldier on a leash and out the door before I was done nodding.

Grammy was putting the finishing touches on my cake when she gave me her present. “There’s a box or two over there on the dinette for you.”

I all but ran to the dinette. It had been such a long time since anyone had given me presents for my birthday. Grammy felt that every year was a celebration though, so she spoiled us rotten. I loved Grammy’s philosophy on life, “Live each day to the fullest and have a good time doing it,” she would say. And I guess that Grammy was the smartest person I ever met.

In the first box was a locket. The heart was empty and Grammy said I could fill it with pictures of those I loved best or whatever guy I happened to love that week. I blushed and Grammy laughed. She loved to tease me about boys. I think she was just happy that I could find it in my heart to trust and care about anyone after my parents. The second box was filled with art supplies: drawing pencils, watercolors, paints, markers… anything that I could want to create whatever was in my head.

Grammy came and put her arms around me. She smelled of lilacs and cake and chocolate all mixed together. I loved Grammy’s hugs. They were like curling up with a teddy bear that you absolutely loved or being wrapped up in a warm blanket after you had been out in the rain.

“You’re such a smart girl, Lucy. You can use your mind for anything. I was hoping these tools would help you express some of those things you have hidden in there; some of those feelings that you are too brave to share. Don’t look so surprised my little one. Grammies have the ability to see much more then you want us to. Like for instance, I know by the way you have been tiptoeing around since Jess left, that there is something you want to talk about.”

I gulped. Was Grammy really that omniscient? Could be, I supposed. She really did have an uncanny knack of knowing what was on my mind. “Umm… Grammy. Why did we leave town all those years ago? What really happened to momma and daddy that night?”

“Oh child. That was so many years ago. Do you really want to drag all that out of the box? Your daddy is gone now. Why don’t you keep the memories you have of him tucked safely inside your head? No sense making new ones is there, bad ones that is?”

“I need to know Grammy. Jessie wants me to know. He told me to find out the truth and I am going to do my best for him.”

‘Well I suppose, if Jessie knew, though he never spoke to me about it. You kids sure are a secretive bunch. In my day we just said what was on our minds. You young folk think more about protecting an old fool like me.”

“Grammy, you are not old, and certainly not a fool, but we do love you.”

“Alright then child, here’s the story as far as I know it. Your daddy was an accountant at the bank here in town. He was good at his job as far as I know. Anyway, some day after he had been working there quite a few years, a large sum of money went missing. All roads pointed to him. The police came and questioned your momma that day and it broke her heart to think that he had done something criminal. The strange thing was, they never found any evidence to hold against him, so they couldn’t arrest him. He was fired from his job and the whole town knew about it and what he had done. Your folks decided the best thing to do was get out of town and away from all the blame and the curiosity seekers. They wanted to take you kids where you wouldn’t suffer from your daddy’s mistakes. I don’t think anyone ever found the money.”

“But daddy would never steal anything! He may have been a mean drunk in the end but he was not a thief. He worked hard every day of his life until momma left him. I don’t understand it. But Grammy, if he didn’t do it then where did he get the money to buy the farm? We never had that kind of money.” I was getting really defensive of daddy’s character by now. I knew he would never steal anything.

“I gave them the money child. Your momma came to me and asked me for it and I gave it to her. That was part of the reason your daddy never let her talk to me or see my grandchildren again. He felt ashamed that he had to borrow the money from me. I guess he thought I would hold it over his head, but I would never have done. I guess he thought if he saw me then he would have to pay it back. He was a proud man, your daddy, but he could only do so much with what he had.”

The ranges of emotions running through my head were extraordinary. I felt like my daddy had betrayed me. Then I felt indignation that anyone would dare accuse my daddy of stealing. The man was not a saint, but he would have never done something like that. Curiosity came next. I wanted to know who had taken the money if it wasn’t daddy. But it had to be him; cause momma believed he was capable of it. They never were the same after that night. Their relationship was on a downward slide. It had to be that momma thought or found out he was guilty. But then where was the money? I couldn’t make heads or tails out of it. At least I knew where the gossip came from. This was one of those stories that people like to drag out again and again. There weren’t many scandals in this small town.

Grammy watched the emotions flicker over my face like a slide show that was going to fast.  “Stop worrying about it Lucy. I never did see a child who was more wont to worry. Why don’t you go up and start getting ready for your party? I’ll finish up down here. Go on now.”

I shrugged my shoulders as if to shake off the confusion and turned to go upstairs to the shower. I didn’t get much past the front door when the postman rang the bell to deliver a package all the way from Texas for me. I signed for the package and opened it very carefully. It was from Jess. The card read:

Dear Cinder,

Happy Seventeenth Birthday. Training camp is okay, a lot of hard work but I am enjoying it. I am learning to repair all kinds of things from cars to machines. That kind of stuff ought to come in handy when I come home. After I am done training, I get to travel. I am supposed to be stationed in Europe and then Asia. However, we are keeping an eye on things down here with the Cubans. If that heats up I might have to stay here and I will not get to travel the world for a while.

How are things going up there? Is Stevie still minding Grammy? Tell him I said he better. How is Grammy? Still feisty I bet for an older broad (don’t tell her I said that!) By now you have probably pestered her about daddy and she has told you all that she knows. I have a feeling there is more to the story. I have never known daddy to steal anything… ever. I hope you find out the truth for all of our sakes Cinder.

I bet I am holding you up right now. You are probably getting ready for some big social event to celebrate your birthday. Well go ahead and get your make-up on (just not too much! You are pretty enough without it.) Just use your gift tonight and send me one okay?

Always,

Jessie

I laughed as I read his letter. He knew me so well. Cubans? What is going on with the Cubans? Sometimes I wished I paid more attention in my current events class. Oh well. I unwrapped the box and I was genuinely surprised to see a new camera in there, complete with film. I would make sure someone took a picture of me that night, maybe even a picture with Soldier. Jess would love to see him. I headed upstairs to get ready.

Chapter Ten: The Party

I let the hot water cascade down my body like a hundred tiny rivulets. It still amazes me how you can feel absolutely worn out and you take a hot shower and it rejuvenates you body and soul. I was aiming for that. I just wanted one night to forget my past and not worry about my future. I reached my hand up and touched the stream, feeling it touch my fingertips and make a waterfall all about me.

I truly pampered myself that night. I did my hair in a French twist. I slipped into my full white swing skirt and the matching white sleeveless top. Yep, that’s right. I said sleeveless and that was perfectly scandalous to some people back then. The top was trimmed with a black collar and five black buttons. As I slipped into my sandals I felt like a princess. I was going to a ball in my honor and I twirled around in front of my mirror just to see how well my skirt would swing.

By the time I was finished primping, Cleo, Don and Joe were already downstairs with the car packed and ready to go. Grammy was entertaining them with stories of her seventeenth birthday. I guess the three of them had been around so much they just kind of grew on her. We thanked her for everything, got into Cleo’s car and drove off into the night.

As we neared the beach they made me close my eyes. Donny held his hands there just so I would not peek. They practically walked me out of the car and towards the sea; I could hear the ocean in front of me and the highway becoming a distant rumble of rubber screeching on asphalt. Its funny how one sense gets stronger as another is taken away.

Donny uncovered my eyes and with that at least fifty voices yelled out, “SURPRISE!”

I was amazed. Tiny Japanese lanterns were strung on wires from one end of that strip of that beach to the other, their small glowing flames reflecting on the water, making the ripples flicker magically. There were tables on which the food was being setup and a record player spinning all of our favorite tunes. I didn’t know how they did that one a plain strip of beach and I didn’t care. I felt like a princess.  There were presents piled up in the corner of our makeshift dance floor. There were people dancing in the sand and some were frolicking in the waves. It was a beautiful night.

I danced every dance that night from the “Twist” to the “Freddy.” We must have looked insane kicking up all that dust as we kicked up our feet but no one cared. When someone changed the record to Elvis’ “It’s Now or Never” I walked off the dance floor to grab a coke and catch my breath.

“Having a good time at your party princess?” Donny asked.

“Oh thank you, thank you so much. I feel like I am dreaming,” and with that I was bold enough to throw my arms around his neck. Embarrassed by my forwardness, I tried to pull away only to find that he was holding me in his strong embrace. When I did pull away, I was staring into his eyes, the deep black pools, mirroring the emotions that I was feeling. I knew I was falling in love for the very first time. Subconsciously, I reached up and tried to pat that wayward lock of black hair back into place.

He caught my hand and brought his wrist to my lips and kissed it very gently. We were drawn to each other, our lips finding each other in a very tender moment, my very first kiss. We held that kiss for a while and I was not surprised to find his hands roaming in places that no one had dared go before. I was pleasantly surprised to find him kissing me again and this time deeper then before. He pulled away gently and our eyes met again. With words unspoken he took my hand and led me to the dance floor, where we glided across the floor in each other’s arms, oblivious to the world around us.

After the dance was over, he left me for a moment and went in search of Cleo. I hoped I wasn’t stepping on anyone’s toes here. I never knew just what the relationship was between the two of them. I was staring up at the stars and wondering if we would ever make it into space. So far the lunar explorations had been less then successful. Both Sputnik expeditions in the early part of this year had fizzled and the Vanguard probes had not faired any better so far. An angry voice brought me out of my reverie.

“You bitch! How could you do this to me?”

I turned, not knowing who to expect behind me. The voice was low, dulled by the drone of the music.

“Joe?” I was stunned, puzzled. What had I done? He had never spoken to me this way before.

“You kissed him, right out here in front of everybody. You kissed him and made me look like a fool.”

“How did I do that Joe? It was just a kiss.” I was really confused. He must have felt I did something wrong but what?

“I thought we had an understanding. I thought that we were… we were… that you were dating me,” he said and he was so infuriated that he barely got the words out.

“Joe, we never said we were dating. I am sorry if I led you to believe that.” But I hadn’t had I? “We’re friends Joe, nothing more.”

“But we do everything together, have done everything together for so long. I thought you cared about me. I guess… I guess… I was wrong.” His voice changed now from rage and indignation to whine and defeat.

“You’re not wrong, Joe,” and I was quick to add something else before he got his hopes up. “I do care about you Joe, but you are a friend, nothing more. I don’t feel that way about you. Never have.”

“You’re a heartless little bitch,” he said, the anger seething once again. “You didn’t care about me at all did you? You just used me when there was no one else around. Now what? Now that he is in the picture I’ll be cast aside. No need for good old faithful Joe anymore.”

I didn’t understand. I had tried to let him down easy, but he was still angry with me. I felt his words rush around me and take over me like I was trapped in a tornado full of insults. I had never felt as bad about myself as I did right then. And yet, at the same time, I think I had the quiet knowledge that I had done nothing wrong.

“Joe, I don’t know what to say to you to make it better.”

“You can’t. What words can you say to someone when you used them; tore their heart into shreds? I can’t believe you did this to me. You’re just like the rest of your family uncaring, unscrupulous.”

Now it was my turn to get angry and by this point it was turning into a shouting match for all our friends to witness.

“Like you’ve never used someone in your life Joe? You used me to get to all these people. You used me to make your voice heard when no one would listen to you otherwise. You used me when my father died to get in with this crowd. They were no more your friends then I was your girlfriend. It was all in your own delusional little mind.”

“You obnoxious little slut!” he screamed and Donny, who was pushing through the crowd gawking at us, heard the last part and came to my rescue.

“What the hell is your problem man? Cool off!”

“That’s right! Come to her defense. What an ass! You’re just as bad as she is.”  With that Donny shoved Joe as hard as he could and Joe went flying across the sand. He got up warily from where he landed and started, wisely, to walk away. I was willing to be that Joe outweighed Donny by about forty pounds but what Donny lacked in bulk, he made up for in instinct. He was wiry and looking for a fight. Joe would have lost and been humiliated. By walking away, he looked the coward, but chances were some girl in that crowd thought a little bit better of him for being the pacifist. I had no doubt he thought all of this out before he walked away…always calculating.

“Hey Lucy,” he added before he left. “He’s only going to hurt you. I hope I’m wrong but if I’m not, you know where to find me.”  And with that he left. It was over but still the tears fell unwanted down my face. I ran out towards the dunes. I wanted to be alone, away from him. They were only words but sometimes words can cut as deep as the sharpest knife.

I don’t know how long I sat there feeling sorry for myself. I was getting cold. The sea air was damp. It took that long for them to find me, Cleo and Donny. They had sent everyone home before they came to find me, and they had packed up the remnants of the party. I felt a jacket go around my shoulders. From the scent of the after-shave, I knew that it was Donny’s leather one. Not something I would part with lightly.

Cleo took a seat on one side and he on the other, and we just sat there staring at the ocean, and watching the big fishing boats so far out at sea, like they were lost in the dark abyss. I felt a little like those boats that night, so alone, so terribly alone. I still had Cleo and Donny, yes, but I had lost both parents, my brother, who was my best friend, and now Joe. I didn’t want to lose him like that. We were so close. It hurt. I think they knew that because they just let me sit there in silence and when I started to cry, Cleo had her arms around me in a second.

When I got home that night, I poured my heart out to Grammy. She was a little taken aback that I had kissed Donny. I knew that if she had been anyone else’s Grammy, they would have taken the opportunity to have the “the big talk.” But not my Grammy, she just sat there listening and not passing judgment.

Finally, when I was all done, she imparted one bit of wisdom to me. “Lucy, honey, just remember that every relationship is like a rose. It needs to be tended, cut back now and again, handled with kid gloves and be wary of thorns. But if you give it enough attention, enough love, it will blossom into a beautiful flower. Joe is just cutting through a thorny part. Friends like him, well, they are few and far between, but he will be your friend for life.”

That advice stuck with me for life you know. I would always think of it when I felt like I was at an impasse in a relationship. I would just cut the thorns back and try again. Sure enough, the rose would bloom again and again.

Chapter Eleven: Ice Princess

The remainder of the summer it was just Donny, Cleo and I and eventually even Cleo started to make up excuses so that Donny and I would have time to spend together. To make up for it, every minute that I wasn’t with Donny, I spent with Cleo. We had a great time. We went horseback riding at a local park. We went to roller rinks. We spent long days at the beach. Having Cleo around was like having an older sister. We had the best relationship. I was really going to miss her when she went to California.

Spending my days with Cleo often meant my nights were free to spend at home or with Donny. When I was with him, I felt like I was walking on air. He opened the car door for me. He always treated no matter where we went. Many nights we went to the beach or up to the point to make out. Sometimes we would go to the movies or go bowling. There would be times we would go to the drive-in, which required going out of town a little ways. I didn’t do that too often though cause it made Grammy a little worried. I tried to stay close to home for her sake.

We got along wonderfully. We never fought… well I can’t say that…. almost never. Donny was insistent that we “go all the way” before summer was over. I had no desire to sleep with him so soon. In the first place, who knew if he would be around in the fall? He never did tell me his plans. And sure, I knew that that’s what people did, but that’s what my momma did too, and look where it got her and daddy. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes they did. I didn’t want to wind up like them. So, before I slept with him, he better be darn sure that he loved me and that I loved him.

I talked to Cleo about it sometimes. It was not that Cleo was sleeping around. In fact, I can’t say as I ever saw her with anyone besides Donny. But she seemed so worldly, like she knew everything though she was only a year older than me. Sometimes I would get the feeling that Cleo had a secret, one that she longed to share with me but never could. It probably had something to do with her family. Anyway, Cleo did not want me to sleep with Donny. As much as she loved him, she would say, he was nothing but trouble. He was a great guy to date and all, but there was many a time, he would break a girl’s heart. I didn’t want to believe it but in the end of July he did just that.

I was walking to the park to meet him one day. He told me to brink my skates. We were supposed to go to the roller rink. As I neared the spot where we usually met, I saw him there linked in an embrace with another girl. He watched for me; his head tilted so that he could see me when I approached. As soon as I neared, he kissed her, a full passionate kiss on the lips, the kind that was only shared by lovers.

I felt as though a bucket of water had been dropped on me. I couldn’t move. I stood staring at them, my heart in my throat. Tears were welling up inside of me, but they wouldn’t come. It was surreal. I kept telling myself that I was dreaming. It certainly felt like a nightmare. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I heard him tell her to go ahead and he would catch up. There was something he had to take care of first. The nubile blonde that he was kissing winked at me and popped her gum. With a flip of her ponytail, she was gone. I wanted to run over and scratch her eyes out, to take that gum and smash it into that cascading mass of blonde curls. But such behavior was beneath me. Well, either that or time did not permit it.

He walked over to me and shook his head, laughing before he spoke, “All that money I wasted on you.”

What? Was it me? I was totally confused by this point. What did he mean… wasted?

“What the hell are you talking about? And who is she? Why are you kissing her?”

“Easy Lucinda, she puts out!”

It took me a minute to realize what he had said, and before I thought about it my hand met his face with a resounding CRACK! He took it well, better than I thought.

“See ya around, Ice Princess.” And with a wave of his hand and a smirk on his face, he was gone.

I ran home as fast as I could, at a dizzying pace. I ran past Grammy, up to my bedroom and locked the door. Soldier was there, curled up in his basket thank goodness. What would I do without at least one faithful guy who stood by me no matter what? I buried my head in his soft fur and let the tears come as they may.

That night I sat down to write Jess a letter. What I could never dare say to him face to face was easy to write on paper. I would not be there when he read it. He was too far away to get in trouble for hurting Donny.

Dear Jessie,

I hope this letter finds you well. How are things down there in Texas? I bet they are hotter than a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. How are things with the Cubans? What is going on with the Cubans anyway?

Please excuse the droplets of water on this letter if they smudge the ink. I am writing to you after one of the worst days in my life. I faced something that seems to me insurmountable but to you must seem like the paltry problems of a teenager, so far from what you are facing.

Today, Donny and I broke up, and no before you ask it was not some silly teenage quarrel.  I think with all that we have been through, I am above such silly things. I told you the last time I wrote to you how good things have been going with Donny. They were, except for one tiny problem.

Donny wanted me to sleep with him. Now don’t go getting all upset big brother. I had my reasons for not telling you about it. I wanted to make up my own mind and you would have just told me to wait. I wanted to do what I thought was right and saying no, was the best thing for me, at least for right now. (You can stop thanking God now.) However, Donny didn’t think saying no was a good idea. So after countless tries to get me into bed, he found someone that would sleep with him.

Some blonde girl with a great body, and who was probably looking for a little danger in her otherwise banal existence, helped him betray me. I guess I will be better off without him, which is what you will undoubtedly say. But it hurts right now. I think I loved him. I guess he did not love me back enough to wait for me. Speaking as a guy and not my older brother, do you think I am an “ice princess?” That is what he called me after he left me.

I know that if you were here, he would be swallowing he teeth right now. So I am kind of glad for the moment that you are so far away. I did slap him before he left, I hope that doesn’t make me too much like daddy. I didn’t even think about it, it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I was not only angry for me, but I was angry for the sake of that little twit he was sleeping with. He is just sleeping with her, no loyalty, no commitment, and she probably won’t realize it until he leaves her with a child.

I didn’t imagine in my wildest dreams that he would do this to me, and I wonder if I have lost Cleo as a friend along with him. I guess she would not be much of a friend if she did side with him. But I think it would break my heart if she stopped talking to me, we have become that close.

You know the most annoying part about this whole thing? You were right all along about Donny.  He did break my heart.

Sisterly love always,

Lucy

I stayed in my room for about a week after the incident. I only came out to eat meals with the family. Grammy knew something was wrong. She did try to get me to talk about it. I was glad of that. Grammy was the only adult in my life that cared about me long enough to try and interfere. But I wouldn’t tell her at first. Maybe some day, but the wound was still too fresh to tell her about without it hurting her too. Besides she would have done some foolish thing that grandmothers do. Like she would have insisted on calling, “that boy’s parents.” But it would have done no good. He had no parents to speak of really. His mom was an alcoholic and his dad up and left them when he was four. Maybe that is why Donny and I clicked so well. We came from similar backgrounds.

I did get some support though. Jessie’s letter arrived just over a week after I sent mine out to him. Cleo came by the same day. Jessie was more understanding than I thought he would be. People never stop surprising me. Grammy says that’s a good thing. If we were able to judge people correctly, the moment we meet them then there would be no point in getting to know them. I guess she was right.

Dear Cinder:

Hey Cinder, how are you? I can tell you what I know about Cuba, which is not a lot. In 1952, the dictator of Cuba, Fulgencio Batista, halted elections for the Cuban House of Representatives, which basically ended democracy in Cuba and really ticked off some guy who was running for election by the name of Fidel Castro.

Anyway, Fidel went to prison for his attempt to overthrow the Batista government. In 1955, Castro was released from prison, and he came back in 1956 to try and overthrow the government again. Again, he failed, but enough of his men survived that he was able to hold up in a local mountain range and has been gaining major support for his movement from the Cuban people. They think he is going to plan a coup again. Some of his ideas are revolutionary, communist in their origin. If he successfully manages to gain control of Cuba, it could mean big trouble of the US.  Hopefully next year we will get a president who will be able to handle these problems.

So that is the news from down here. I will be completing my training in December so if he makes no moves before then I will be able to go to Europe. Now as for your problems…

No, I don’t think you are an ice princess. You are smart is all and cautious. Cinder, you should wait for someone you truly love before you take that kind of step. It is a big one. There are ways though if you decide to go that far to protect yourself from pregnancy. Ask the guy you are going with if you don’t know. Or better yet, ask Cleo, she should be able to tell you.

How do you know when you are truly in love enough to go that far? I don’t know the answer to that. I thought I was in that kind of relationship with Cindy and look what she did to me. All I can say is trust your instincts and they should get you through. You are very smart when it comes to things like that.

Are you like daddy? No, never! Yes, you hit someone but hell he deserved to be hit. If you hadn’t done it, I would have found the SOB when I got home and done it for you. Daddy struck out of his own hatred. It wasn’t Stevie or me he was angry with; it was himself. He could not control that anger and he struck out at us. I hope you can understand that now. God knows it took me long enough to find the answer to that. You struck Donny because he deserved it. Oh, I wish I could show you the difference but I think that is one of those lessons that you have to learn for yourself.

You will not lose Cleo as a friend. She is true blue. I don’t think you will ever lose her. If anything, my guess is, as time goes on, she will become more like family. If she knows about it at all, then she is giving you your space. But my guess is, she hasn’t heard, or she would be right there by your side. See if I am not right about that Cinder.

I will write more soon. Some buddies and I are going into town tonight to break some Texas girls’ hearts (more like they’ll break mine).

Brotherly Love Forever,

Jess

I was wondering when my brother had become so mature. When he left, I felt like I was older then him, and now it seemed as though he was years ahead of me. About the same time, I finished reading that letter, there was a knock on the door and Cleo popped her head in.

“Hey Lucy, what’s up?”

“Hey Cleo. Where the hell have you been?”

“Well, it’s nice to see you too. Geez, you kiss your Grammy with that mouth?”

I giggled; it was hard not to laugh when Cleo was around. “I thought you weren’t talking to me cause of Donny and all.”

“Donny, why? What happened? Did you two have a fight?”

“You might say that. He dumped me.”

“Dumped you? What the hell for? I go away for a week and what the hell happens? You guys just can’t bear to be without me, can you?”

I threw a pillow at her, and we both convulsed into laughter. It felt good to laugh again.  I was so happy to know that she was away and was not avoiding me. “He dumped me because I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t ‘put out’ and because I am an ‘Ice Princess.’ At least that is what he said and then he went and found some girl who would.”

“Son of a…Oh well, you are better off without him Luc. And if you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t seem too broken up about it.”

“Well, I was but it happened a week ago and my brother’s letter made me see that I was a fool to be upset over him.”

“Smart brother you have there. Sounds a lot like my brother. That’s where I was this week, visiting him.” And she said that as casual as you would tell someone that they had lipstick on their collar.

“Brother? You have a brother?”

“Well yeah. Haven’t I ever mentioned him? Well, he’s really my half brother. We have the same mother. His name is Ryan. He’s been away at school for almost three years now. He goes to Cornell. He’s studying to be a banker like daddy. He looks up to him, though I don’t know why. He wants to work there when he comes home, and chances are he’ll do pretty well too. He’s a brainiac. But he’s a lot of fun to be around and he finally persuaded my mom to let me come and visit him. Mom has her faults, one of them being she is really over-protective of me.”

I took all of that news in, and I was kind of stupefied. It was the most that Cleo had said about her family in the year that I had known her. “Hey Cleo, did you say half-brother?”

“Yeah, but I really don’t want to talk about that right now. Let’s go have some fun plotting against that little punk who used to be your boyfriend.”

So, we left it at that and Grammy liked Cleo a little more that day because she got me to laugh and smile again.

Chapter Twelve: Cleo’s Story

The end of August came, like we all knew it would have to. I was broken-hearted that it was nearing a close.  It meant that Cleo would depart for college in California. Knowing Cleo, she would do extremely well out there. She would fit in the way she never had at home. I wanted to beg her to stay, but her happiness depended on leaving this town and her family behind. It seemed as though a lot of people felt that way. I kind of liked this little place no matter how cruel it had been in the beginning. I was finally accepted, and it felt like home to me.

We got together the night before she left and stayed out on the beach all night staring at the stars and talking about everything. As morning approached, the conversations became deeper and the inevitable sorrow set in, for the knowledge that our friendship, no matter how strong, would be altered forever.

“I hate that you have to go Cleo. I feel like all the important people I have in my life just leave me one by one.”

“Aww you know that’s not true. You still have Grammy and Stevie.”

“That’s just because Stevie is too young to leave yet, and Grammy… well you’re right there. She loves us all too much to leave.”

“It must be nice to have a Grammy like that.”

“You know she thinks of you as one of us. You’re as much a part of our family as I am.”

“Yeah but it must be nice to really belong to a family. My family is so screwed up. I know you understand where I am coming from.”

“You don’t talk about them much Cleo. What are they like?”

“Well, I can tell you about my brother easy enough. I adore Ryan and he adores me, though when it comes to my parents, we just don’t see eye to eye. A long time ago we agreed to disagree about them, and we haven’t looked back since. Ryan is really smart and cute. He’s the kind of guy that has all the girls chasing him. Not too much different then your Jessie. And Momma, well Momma is a little slight of a thing. Sometimes I think she’s not very bright at all. I can’t for the life of me see why she is still with daddy after all these years. He treats her horribly, always yelling at her for the littlest thing. I don’t think he hits her, but I could never be sure about that. She takes it though, seems to think that maybe she deserves it for a mistake that she made a long time ago. He’s never let her forget it. Daddy he’s just a son of a gun. He’s got a horrible temper. Like I said he is always yelling at momma and sometimes he comes down way too hard on Ryan.”

“What about you Cleo? Does he yell at you a lot too?”

“Me? No. He can’t be bothered to yell at me. We see each other in passing, but I’m just too different for him to care about.”

She told me all of this and I could hear the crack in her voice. She was on the verge of tears.

For me, her revelations lifted a cloud that had been hanging over her since I met her. I understood now why she was so distant; why it took her so long to talk to me; why she stared at me to judge my potential before she spoke to me. She was afraid I would hurt her, the way her daddy did. I wanted to hurt him, for even though he wasn’t abusing her physically; emotionally he was cutting her down in little pieces and leaving them to fall where they may, never caring if they got picked up again. Her momma must have felt the same way.

“Ryan can’t see what he does to you?”

“Yeah, Ryan sees it. But he’s daddy’s golden child. He can’t do wrong well hardly ever anyway, though dad does expect perfection from him, and sometimes that is hard to live up to, even for Ryan. I don’t know exactly why Ryan defends him. Ryan will tell me that dad is just hurt is all; that he can’t help the way he acts. I just think that Ryan defends him for fear of losing the only ounce of love the man has felt for anybody. But mark my words, some day that man is gonna do something that will make Ryan angry too. I don’t know what it’ll take but he will lose all respect for daddy too. I can’t wait for that day to come. But oh well…last one into the water is a rotten egg!”

Cleo pulled off her long top and underneath was a hot pink bikini. You could have knocked me over with a feather; I was so shocked.

“Well, come on Lucy, what are you staring at? This is the first day of the rest of my life and it’s time I started dressing the part.”

We swam out a little to the cave on the south side of the shore. We had left a lunch there earlier that day and we picnicked like it was old times. Cleo left that afternoon and she swung by my house one more time before she left, and we hugged goodbye.

“I’m gonna miss you so much. You take care of yourself and call me when you get out there. Set California on its ass!,” I cried for the friend that I was losing but also with excitement for the new life that she was starting.

“I promise you I will call you all the time and I will come home for holidays and all. You’ll see, it won’t be so bad. And remember, no matter what you discover this year, I’ll always be there for you. Call me anytime, day or night… I love you kid.”

I smiled at the nickname, “I love you too.” And with that she was gone, driving down the road and out of my life, the way that so many others had done before.

That about wraps up the summer. Oh… but Donny went to California too that September. He said he wanted to be a movie star, something like James Dean, only in his case it was something like rebel without a clue. And you know what else? I think I had the gift of prophecy that year, maybe, just maybe…if all else failed when I got out of high school, I could go off to the circus and be a palm reader, cause he left that little girl pregnant with his child, just like I thought he would. He told her he couldn’t care less; that there was no proof that it was his. She was heartbroken.

Chapter Thirteen: Senior Year

My senior year of high school was more interesting from a historical perspective then from a personal. Nothing much happened to me. I dated several guys but all of them were frustrated with my virginity or with my lack of commitment. I know, go figure, but guys back then wanted a sure thing to come home to and our future was right around the corner. I wasn’t ready to settle down though and none of them were the type of guy I wanted to settle down with. I mean I dated every type of guy: smart, funny, rebellious and I just couldn’t say what I was looking for. Maybe it was a little of everything that I wanted. I just knew that I hadn’t found it yet. I saw Joe a lot that year, but for all his promises to be there for me if things went bad, he was barely civil to me. I guess he felt that I had hurt him too badly, but I did miss his friendship.

Stevie was still flourishing in school. He was getting straight A’s every quarter. I can’t say I was surprised though. He took like a duck to water to all of Grammy’s love and care. God, I loved that woman.

Grammy said there were so many things going on in the world that a radio was just not giving us all the information that we needed. She went out and bought a TV, which was pretty cool because our little town had its very own television station that year, WTVC, channel 9. It was an ABC affiliate. We would gather around that TV sometimes and watch sitcoms like “I Love Lucy” or “Father Knows Best.” We would laugh along with the laugh tracks because it didn’t take much to entertain us.

Some nights we would shut it off. It brought everything a little too close to home. There were race riots going on in different parts of the country. These riots were news to us. Sure, we knew about the integration of schools in Little Rock, Arkansas, but we didn’t know about the race riots and the sit-ins that were happening all over.  When you live in a small town, I guess you get so secluded from the outside world that things surprise you now and again. We clung to the news every time there was a mention of Cuba. Jessie shared all the news he could in his letters, but we were always looking for more.

As we danced across the floor that year to hits such as “Venus” and “Mack the Knife,” there were events going on all over the country that would change the course of history. The United States actually had a successful rocket orbit the earth that year, called the Explorer.  As if that wasn’t enough, they had selected seven men to travel into space on a rocket ship. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to go into orbit. NASA had dreams of landing on the moon, but no one thought that was possible at that time.

Politically, there was some noise about a young man named John F. Kennedy running for president of the United States. He had Grammy’s support because he was both Irish and Catholic. Most women liked him because he was both young and cute. I kind of liked his brother Bobby more. The man had a lot of potential and a lot of kids. In the movies, Walt Disney released “Sleeping Beauty” into theaters, and two of the most popular movies were “Pillow Talk,” which starred Rock Hudson and Doris Day, and “Some Like It Hot,” starring, of course, the beautiful and voluptuous Marilyn Monroe. I wonder if we’d known then that Rock was a homosexual or that Marilyn would nearly destroy the Kennedy’s that we would like those movies as well as we did. Hindsight is twenty-twenty sometimes.

It went on like that; things happening all around us. It was an exciting time to be alive. The world was changing right before our eyes in ways that we never thought possible.

The smaller, more immediate world that we live in did not seem to be changing at all. We were entertaining ourselves the same way we always did, though music was becoming more of a statement then just fun to listen to. Some of the singers were really starting to say something in their songs, not just boy meet girl lyrics. I was starting to love Rock ‘N’ roll. It was an expression of who we were at the time. Elvis came home from the army and continued to belt out hits. I went to my very first concert that year when Cleo came home for winter break. We went to see a concert where four well-known musicians were playing together. It was called the “Winter Dance Party Tour.” The show was fantastic. We joined the throbbing and pulsating crowd of teenage girls who screamed from the audience, hoping that one of those singers would turn their heads toward them. It was particularly remarkable because it was one of the last few shows they did before that fateful day.

On   February 3, 1959, three very talented musicians boarded a plane that led to their deaths. The three men were Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. They were trying to get to their next city a little early to catch some rest. They took off in a plane during a thunderstorm and when the plane went down, all were killed. It was a very sad day for music. We even took a moment of silence at school when we learned of the fateful crash. One newspaper reported that a musician named Waylon Jennings was supposed to be on the plane but gave up his seat to JP Richardson, The Big Bopper. When Holly learned that piece of news, he told Jennings, “Well, I hope your old bus freezes up.” Jennings responded, “Well. I hope your plane crashes.” If the story was true, I imagine the man is still haunted by those words.

Jessie wrote to me often to keep me updated on the happenings in Cuba. So much was going on that it didn’t seem like he was going on his European tour after all. Instead, they were going to station him in Guantanamo Bay. What a frightfully important place that was to be at that time.

Dear Sissy:

How are things going up there in the real world? Things are sort of surreal down here. Fidel Castro is making a mess of my European tour. It seems that Uncle Sam requires me to be stationed down here at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, in case things start to go bad down here. The relations between US and Cuba are not exactly running smoothly with this nitwit as leader.

The man is a liar and very powerful. Fidel Castro led his revolution into Havana and declared himself “Maximum Leader” of Cuba. The previous leader, Batista, fled the country. Mass trials and executions followed. Although Castro had propagandized his revolution as wanting to restore constitutional procedures, this was false. He pursued a radical Marxist policy. He has become vehemently anti-American and has nationalized all US businesses in Cuba. I can only hope that my tour has ended when all of this comes to a head down here. I know it will. It’s just a matter of time.

On the upside, I have met someone.  You are gonna love her Cinder. Her name is Willa. She is a true Texas beauty with long black hair and snapping blue eyes. She’s on her own down here. Her parents were killed five years ago in a freak car accident. She has no problem relocating so I think we will be heading home after my tour. That is, if she says yes when I ask her to marry me.

Now don’t go getting all excited, I am not asking just yet. I want to get to know her some more first. She’s a teacher of all things, and great with kids of course. She’s the complete opposite of Cindy Lou and maybe that is why I love her so much. She’s a gentle church-going woman, but she knows how to have a good time. Heck, she even taught me how to dance of all things. And Lucy, you know I’ve always had two left feet. I just can’t wait for you to meet her. You’ve always wanted a sister and maybe I can make that dream come true for you. If I get a picture of her, I will send it soon.

I gotta go now. Maneuvers are calling.

I love you Sissy.

Jessie

The letter from Jessie brought the Cuba incidents a little too close to home for my liking. I began to worry about him and to watch with interest what was happening with the presidential race. I began to believe that maybe John Fitzgerald Kennedy was the man for the job. Perhaps he would keep things safe for my brother. I got many letters from Cleo that year too. She was attending the University of California.

Dear Lucy,

Hi. How go things back home? I’m really enjoying things here, a lot more then I thought I would. You wouldn’t believe the changes in me. Out here I fit in. There is nothing different about me being a rich, blonde girl spending daddy’s money. HA HA! Well, nothing except that I actually intend to get an education.

My campus is about five miles away from the beach, so I still go every day. You should see the guys out here. They love to surf and the music that they listen to is awesome. There is this up-and-coming band called The Beach Boys that you would absolutely love.

In school, I spend my days in shorts and t-shirts and the rest of the day in a bikini. Somehow, I don’t feel the need to hide behind clothes this year. I am free to be me. And you know what else? Other people accept me the way you do. They don’t demand perfection from me. I love that.

My roommate’s name is Gennifer, with a G obviously. Ha ha. She says her parents wanted her name to be unique, but it drives her crazy. Everyone constantly misspells it. She reminds me of you in some ways, like she’s extremely smart for instance. She’s real shy too. Gennifer comes from Iowa. Yes, people really do live in Iowa. I know you always wondered about that too.

Oh, and you will never guess what I decided to major in…I’ll give you three guesses. Boys? No, that’s not it though I think they might be my minor. Partying? Well maybe, but I am studying and getting good grades. What’s that? You have no third guess? Giving up already? All right, I’ll tell you then. Psychology! I want to be a counselor for kids like us that come from screwy backgrounds. Think I’ll be any good at it? Oh never mind, I know what you’ll say, that I would be good at anything I set my mind to. Well thanks for the vote of confidence.

 I have a test to study for. I’ll write to you soon and I’ll be home for the summer before you know it.

Love you kiddo,

Cleo

So that was how Cleo did her first year of college. I was proud, as was Grammy. She always said that Cleo spent so much time at our house, she had a vested interest in her future. I kind of agreed with her.

Like I said, historically speaking, the year was full of surprises but romantically speaking, it was a dud. I did polish my artistic skills. Because I had a little more free time that year, I found, much to my surprise, that I was really good at painting. I mean really good, enough that I was commissioned to do a few portraits for local parents, and it was pretty good pay. Not enough to support myself when I got out of school perhaps, but a very lucrative side business until I decided what my future would be, and I knew I had a home with Grammy for as long as I wanted it.

As the year wore on, Joe came back into my life little by little. We started by eating together occasionally. He knew that I would never love him the way he wanted me to, but he also missed the friendship that we had. It would never be the same easy, carefree relationship that we had in the beginning, but it was there just the same.

Joe and I had gone out to the diner to eat one day in late April of 1959. Our waitress looked oddly familiar to me. It was obvious that she was very pregnant and when I put two and two together, they finally made four. I realized that she was the girl that Donny had left behind, a little older and wiser perhaps, and a lot more tired, but it was her just the same.

When she got a break, I begged her to sit with us. I wanted to know if there was anything I could do for her. I felt bad. I had seen it coming and done nothing to warn her, not that she would have listened anyway. Her name was Pam. Her parents, it turned out, were distraught with what had happened. Her father threw her out of the house, and she agreed to work at the diner in exchange for free room and board at the apartment above it. She liked it she said, it was normally quiet. Her mother had arranged it. The people that owned it were old friends of hers.

I was really surprised though that Joe had monopolized most of the conversation. He was falling head over heels with this girl, and I was in the process of hoping she would let him down easy when I realized she was just as starry-eyed for him. Perhaps this wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

Joe and I went to prom together. Pam had to work and anyway she was too big to go out dancing just then. We danced the night as friends, kind of the culmination of our relationship. We graduated two weeks after that. A week later, Pam and Joe were married the day before she had her baby. It was a little girl, and they named her Hope. She was a beautiful baby. Joe went to work in his father’s construction business, and I can honestly say they did live happily ever after.

Chapter Fourteen: Ryan

Grammy was real excited when I graduated school. She let me get my driver’s license and she bought a new car for herself and gave me her old one, which was good since I started working in a little stationery store in the next town. It helped to have a discount on all the art supplies I went through.

The art was really therapeutic for me. I loved drawing and sketching people.  It was a way of capturing people in their happiest moments and people around town loved to give my portraits to them for gifts. I worked on a commission basis so people paid only what they could afford and often I would do a family’s portrait for free if they were  low on cash.

Cleo had stayed at school to attend summer classes so that she would get her degree faster. I was disappointed but I wanted Cleo to do what was best for her. She had spent way too long under the thumb of someone else and now it was time for her to blossom. She sent me a card and letter for graduation. It sounded as though she was having the time of her life.

Dear Lucy:

Hi! Sorry that I was not able to make it home for your graduation and it looks like I will not be coming home this summer either. I know, I know I will miss you too, but look at it this way…the sooner I get done here, the sooner I can come home. Some of my psychology professors would tell me that I am using school to avoid the issues at my parents’ house.  It might be possible. The only thing that I will miss is you.

Things are going well here, though incredibly warm. Oh, I have something to tell you. You can’t be in California too long without going to something that involves Hollywood. I have been to parties where I caught fleeting glances of celebrities. Of course, I have not talked to any of them. I keep my distance, but I have seen Elizabeth Taylor and her new husband Eddie Fisher (though I have to admit, I liked him better with Debbie Reynolds.) I have been in the same room with Marilyn Monroe and Ricky Nelson.  But you know me, if I had to go to any parties with celebrities; I would prefer they were rockers.

I can’t believe that Joe married Pam. Wow! He must be the first of our friends to be married and he has a kid already. That is so typical of Joe, for the most part; he always did the honorable thing. I hope they will be very happy. I have not seen Donny’s name anywhere in lights by the way. I know that you’re over him, but I thought it might give you some satisfaction to know that he is not a star. I bet he has tried to open the doors of Hollywood, but his ego keeps getting in the way. (HA HA psychology humor.)

I met a guy out here. His name is Greg…so California like. Anyway, his father is really wealthy. I don’t see it being a long-lasting relationship, but we’re having fun so far. He drives a 1958 Thunderbird, my dream car! He’s tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. He loves to surf and his dad just bought some new contraption called a snowmobile. It actually rides on the snow…so much for sledding. His father is in the medical field and apparently, they are on the brink of something that will totally revolutionize medicine for women. It’s a tiny pill that a woman can take and it will alter her “monthly visitor” so that she won’t get knocked up. In other words, Free Love!

Well, I am going to go now. Greg is taking me to some movie premier. I think it is called Rio Bravo. It stars John Wayne and Ricky Nelson. Unfortunately for Greg, I’ll be too busy staring at the actors to pay any attention to him!

Have a great day. Write to you soon.

Love ya kiddo,

Cleo

I finished the letter and laughed out loud. Cleo would always be Cleo, and nothing would change her. At least, I hoped it wouldn’t.

Jessie wrote to say that he was indeed stationed at Guantanamo Bay and that he still had two years left in his enlistment before he could come home. He was coming up in October though and bringing Willa with him.  He wanted her to meet us and if all went well, they would be married in a small ceremony before they left. There was very little family besides us to attend so it would be a simple affair.

In August I made a portrait of my parents. I had pushed them to the back of my mind until then. I hadn’t heard from momma in over a year. I didn’t even know if I had the right address. It wasn’t until I made that portrait that I realized that I wanted to get in contact with her. I had painted them as they once were, or I tried to. But when I looked at the painting, I realized that my father’s eyes were guarded as if even the painting was holding secrets that it would never tell. My mother’s eyes were tired and wary like she was afraid of being hurt.

I wrote to her and asked her about that night we left town. I asked her about the money that they said daddy stole. She never responded. I let it go for a while.

The money that I made from my stationery store job went to buy art supplies. The money that I made from the portraits was building up fast enough. Word had even spread to neighboring towns and I was getting calls from all over. I wanted Stevie to be able to go to college. I wanted him to have the opportunities that Jess and I never had. Stevie was smart and his dream was to be a doctor. I knew Grammy had some money, but it would never be enough to get him all the way through. We talked about it, and I decided to put some of my money away to help him out. Grammy told me how proud she was of my decision.

I went into the bank on a warm afternoon in the end of August. I was excited to open up my first bank account. I sat down, not paying any particular attention to the man on the other side of the desk. He had his back to me, and I cleared my throat to let him know that I was there. When he turned around, I was too stunned to speak. Looking back at me was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. He has brown hair that was highlighted with red and blonde. His chocolate-colored eyes were so deep that I could get lost in them for hours. His smile was warm and engaging, but he gave me no hint that he found me as attractive as I did him.

“Can I help you?” he asked grinning at me like a satisfied cat after it had eaten its prey, which coincidentally, is pretty much how I felt.

“I’m…uh…um…here to open a bank account,” I said and turned bright red, aware that I was making a fool out of myself.

“Okay…Ms…Mrs?”

“O’Brien,” I said and extended my hand, “Ms. Lucinda O’Brien.”

“Oh no! Not the infamous Lucy O’Brien? The artis? The one with the never-ending wealth of information?” and there was this wonderful warm, rich quality to his voice, even when he was teasing. “Can I have your autograph please? I feel like you’re a celebrity.”

“There’s no need to be rude!” I all but shouted at him, disappointed that our meeting was going down in flames.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I have the disadvantage over you. You see, I’ve heard everything about you and nothing but all about you for the last two years. I expected to one day meet a vision of perfection and you know, I’m not disappointed.”

The confusion must have been evident on my face. Who was this guy?

He extended his hand to me, “Ryan… Ryan Montgomery.” I must have looked lost for a second because he clarified, “Cleo’s brother.”

I smiled in welcome, “I’m so glad to meet you finally. Cleo told me all about you.”

“All good I hope?” he asked.

“Well, mostly, though I hear you’re quite the ladies man.”

He cringed, “Well how about we get to know each other? I’ll take you out to lunch. You’re the person I want to thank for the change in Cleo. I’m so glad she’s finally using those brains of hers.”

“Well, okay, but don’t you have to work?” I asked, hoping against hope that this was his lunch hour.

“Nah, that’s one of the advantages of having your father as head of the bank, you can leave whenever you want.”  After we set up my account and deposited my money, we did just that.

The lunch was long and leisurely, and I felt like I had known Ryan my whole life. We made plans to go out that weekend and I introduced him to Grammy who approved of him the second she met him. “He’s the one.” She said after he left, and I wondered if she had the gift of prophecy too.

Ryan and I went out together all the time. We did all the things that Cleo and I had done together: roller skating, riding horses, picnics on the beach, drive-in movies, regular movies, eating in diners and fancy restaurants. Every date was better then the one before and I knew that I had found not only my soul mate but also my best friend. He gave me his fraternity pin to wear on my sweaters; I had been “pinned.” We were going steady, the precursor to marriage.

We decided to keep our relationship a secret from Cleo; we wanted to surprise her when she came home from winter break. What better fortune could she have then to have her best friend and her brother dating one another?

Jessie and Willa came home in October as he said they would.  He was right too. We all loved Willa. She was funny and smart and charming. The icing on the cake was that she was absolutely in love with my brother. I mean head over heels starry-eyed in love with him. They were married before they returned to his base, where they would set up in married housing. Grammy gave Willa the pearls that momma wore on her wedding day. I just hoped they weren’t jinxed.

Ryan came to the wedding and won the full approval of Jessie. Stevie and Soldier already adored him. Ryan had won Stevie over right from the start. He took the time to play ball with him and do all the things that boys love to do with the men in their lives. He never failed to come to my house that he didn’t have a ball or a magazine or something for Stevie, who was now nearing ten, and a treat for Soldier who had turned into a lazy, roly-poly puppy.

One night Ryan took me out to an especially nice restaurant. We ate dinner and then went for a stroll along the bay. The moon was casting a beautiful glow on the calm waters. It was one of those warm nights when there is just enough of a chill in the air to remind you it’s autumn but summer still lingers, unwilling to surrender to the newest season. It was meant for declarations, for promises.

We walked side by side on the beach for a while. The air between us was filled with electricity. He was longing to say something serious, but he was so hesitant, so shy. I wanted to break the ice and so I tapped him on the shoulder. “Tag, you’re it!” I yelled and went running down the beach, laughing with reckless abandon.  I felt like a child again.

He chased after me helping me to capture some of the carefree youth that I was missing. Of course, it took him no time at all to catch me. Perhaps he was fast, or perhaps I let him. Either way we fell into each other’s arms, laughing. We stood there; a moment suspended in time like one of my paintings. Ryan cupped my chin softly and tilted my head until our eyes locked. He whispered so softly, so unsure of himself, “I love you.” And then we kissed, that soft, sweet gentle kiss that symbolizes love.

Chapter Fifteen: Meeting the Parents

It wasn’t long after that night and just before Cleo came home from break that Ryan wanted me to meet his parents.  I was filled with hesitation and curiosity. I wanted them to like me but with all that Cleo had told me, I didn’t think it was going to be very easy to like them. On the other hand, I wanted to like them for Ryan’s sake. We entered his parents’ huge house overlooking the bay on a fateful November evening.

“Mom, Dad are you around?” Ryan called.

“Hush Ryan, you know your father doesn’t like shouting,” his mother said as she came down the stairs. I could see instantly what Cleo meant about her being a little slip of a thing. She was wringing her hands already. She was nervous. Mrs. Montgomery smiled and extended her hand in greeting. “How are you dear? Lucinda, isn’t it? It’s nice to finally meet you. Ryan has told me so much about you.

I thought it was odd that it wasn’t Cleo who had mentioned me first, but I didn’t stop to consider why. “Won’t you come in? We were just about to have tea.”

I shook Mrs. Montgomery’s hand, and I was polite as could be. “It’s a pleasure to meet you ma’am. I will gladly have some tea. Thank you for offering.” I said, and though I hesitated to move through the door, Ryan’s hand on my arm propelled me forward.

Mr. Montgomery sat in a large chair. It seemed overly ostentatious and out of congruence with the rest of the décor. It was so bold that it reminded me of something akin to a throne. He felt that he was the ruler of his domain, I presumed. It fit with the description of him that Cleo had given me. He did not rise to greet me as we came in.

“Lucinda, this is my father. Dad, meet Lucinda.” He said it and pushed me ahead to shake the man’s hand. It was cold and clammy, put me in the mind of a reptile, a snake. I wondered if I was letting Cleo’s opinions cloud my mind. Most likely I was. I tried to be more receptive.

“It’s very nice to meet you sir.” I fought the urge to drop a curtsey to him. I didn’t imagine this man had a sense of humor.

“What kind of people do you come from Lucinda? We only like good stock around here.” Ryan’s father asked me in an overly loud booming voice. I was really surprised by his abruptness. I looked around the room, half looking for the cattle that the man must be talking about and half at Ryan who was adjusting his tie in a fit of embarrassment, as well he should have been. And though the man’s rudeness astounded me, it was nothing compared to what came next.

“I live with my grandmother sir, Lucinda Barnes. She took me in when my parents were…” I hesitated looking for the words that would make my family sound normal. I was suddenly ashamed of my background. “…When they were disabled.” There, perhaps it wasn’t the truth, but it was the best that I could do.

“Lucinda! Oh no!” he said, his voice becoming noticeably louder by the second. “You’re not Lucinda O’Brien… Henry O’Brien’s daughter?”

I nodded meekly. I was getting very uncomfortable with this man and his invasive questions.

“Get the hell out of my house! Ryan, if you know what’s good for you, you will never see her again!”

Ryan tried to say something to stop me, but I ran from the house in tears. My vision was so blurred that I tripped on the sidewalk outside. I twisted my ankle, but I kept on running until I got back to Grammy. I never stopped to look back and see if he followed. I didn’t care at that point. I should have been used to rejection based on the sins of my parents but its something I never got used to.

Grammy, to her credit, stayed up all night trying to comfort me. We couldn’t figure out what the man’s problem was other then he had been daddy’s boss when daddy stole money from the bank. I guess that was enough to make him hate me.

I wrote to Cleo that night and told her all about Ryan and me and the relationship we had. I wrote her about meeting her parents and how I didn’t understand any of it. But I wrote to her too late. Our letters would cross in the mail. Two days later I got a letter from her telling me that she had gotten the opportunity of a lifetime, to be an exchange student in Paris for a year. She was taking it. There was nothing she or anyone else could do to help me solve this mystery.

Ryan called me and we agreed to meet secretly. We did that for a while. We would meet in the next town over, where I worked. We didn’t want to meet at my house and risk putting Grammy in an awkward spot. But I am sure she knew what we were doing. Grammy knew everything. Neither of us could figure out why his father had acted the way he did that night. All that he would answer when Ryan asked him was ”O’Brians are all alike.” It put a noticeable strain on his relationship with his father. He gave up asking his mother questions. All she ever did was wring her hands and run to her room crying. He couldn’t upset her anymore.

Sneaking around was killing me and we both wanted more out of the relationship. I decided that I had to let him go and find and let him find someone else to love. It was not an easy decision.

One night after I was done work, we went to the point in that town. We made out in his car like we usually did and when things progressed a little bit further then they should, I didn’t stop him this time. We made love that night for the very first time. It was slow and sweet. I wanted it to last a lifetime. Ryan was elated as we lay in each other’s arms.

“I am so glad that you agree with me sweetie,” he said, out of the blue. “I know having money is nice and all, but we can make it without it. I can get a job anywhere. After we’re married, we’ll settle down somewhere and…”

“Married? I can’t marry you, Ryan.”

“But I thought that… but we…” he stammered, visibly upset by my answer.

It was killing me to do this, but I had to hurt him so that he would go on with his life. “I don’t love you, Ryan, not that way. I won’t be responsible for driving a wedge between you and your parents. Go home to them Ryan and live your own life.” With that, I ran out of his car and back to my own. He didn’t try to follow. I imagine he sat there in stunned silence.

Ryan tried to call me every day after that. He came by the house and Grammy would send him away. She didn’t know what had happened and she wasn’t going to ask me until I was ready to share the information with her. Eventually, he gave up and went to Paris to visit Cleo.

Chapter Sixteen: Momma Returns

Things have a funny way of changing in this world all at once. In 1960, JFK was indeed elected as the first Catholic president and the youngest to boot. There were race riots and sit-ins still happening all over the place. Women’s rights had started to play a central role in American politics.

I knew for sure that this time I had lost my best friend and the only love of my life. I spent the next few weeks crying all the time. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I guess it was around the time that I started to get sick that Grammy wrote to momma. She must have because soon enough I got a postcard from her stating simply, “I’m coming home.”

Momma arrived shortly after February of 1960. I didn’t write Jessie to tell him. In fact, I had stopped writing him all together. Jessie wrote Grammy to ask about the change. When she wrote him back, he wanted to hop on the next plane and come home, but Willa was four months pregnant and not feeling very well at all. Grammy convinced him to stay there. She would take care of me. It was about the same time that I realized why I was sick. I was carrying Ryan’s child and he would never know it. I was going to have the baby… I had already decided that.

I opened the door that day. It was snowing, an appropriate setting I thought for the warmth of the reception that Momma received.  She looked tired and old. More then that she looked used. It took me all of five seconds to figure out what went on in those communes in California. Stevie could not have cared less that she was there and left almost as soon as she got there. It broke her heart and somehow, I got some small vindication out of that.

After she had taken a bath, and undoubtedly a hit of whatever it was that was keeping her high, we sat in the kitchen to talk. Grammy discreetly left the house to give us time to ourselves.

“Why are you here Momma? Why did you come home?”

“Grammy wrote me and told me you weren’t doing well. I figured the time had come to do what was right for at least one of my children.”

“If you are looking to lecture me on the facts of life, or to warn me against making the same mistakes you made, then you’re a little late. I’m pregnant momma. And I won’t tell the father. I will never be married. I can’t do to him what you and daddy did to each other. I won’t tear us down like that, even if it means moving away so that he will never know.”

If momma was surprised by my revelation or shocked at my bluntness, she didn’t show it. She just moved on, “But that’s just it, child. I came here to help you. Grammy knows you’re pregnant or at least she suspects it. But you don’t have to go through this alone,” she said, but she was fidgety, like the drugs were making it so she could not sit still.

“Your daddy and I, we got along fine until that summer… he broke my heart that summer that I was pregnant with Stevie.”

“I know momma, I know all about the money from the bank.” I was growing impatient with her pauses, her incoherent renderings.

“No, don’t you see? That’s just it. He never took the money from the bank. He was set up. Do you have anything to drink around here? A beer maybe?”

I didn’t want her to stop now so I poured her a glass of wine from the bottle that Grammy kept for company. I urged her on but for a minute she just looked at the glass and swirled the wine around in distaste.

“Oh well… over the teeth and through the gums look out tummy here it comes. Anything for a high I suppose.” She took a big swig and laughed over and over again, cackling. She found her rhyme quite amusing. I found her sickening.

“Go on momma, you said daddy was set up.”

“Oh yeah Mr. Mont… Mont… Mont…”

“Mr. Montgomery?”  I asked quickly losing patience with her. I wanted to shake the information out of her.

“Yeah that was it. He and his wife, good old nervous little Nellie Montgomery never got along. She was your father’s first love. When he left for the war, he bedded her. We were already married. I never knew… never.”

I stared at her, all sorts of thoughts racing through my head.

“She never told him…her husband…until eleven years later when they could barely stand the sight of each other anymore. They got into a huge argument, and she told him that the child was not his. She had your father’s child. I think it was a boy… or was it a girl?

I was startled, a thousand thoughts racing, swirling. I panicked. What had we done?

“Please momma, try to remember. Try to concentrate.” I said and refilled her wine glass.

“No, it was a girl. They named her Clem or Leo or…”

“Cleo? Cleo is my sister! She’s known all along but couldn’t tell me. That’s why it took her so long to open up to me. Oh, momma thank you!”

And no one was more startled that I was when I kissed her on the cheek, feeling better than I had in months.

Chapter Seventeen: Coming Home

Eight months later, when I brought my baby home from the hospital, waiting in the living room of our house was a party. Stevie was there. Momma had gone back to California. Jessie was there with Willa and Kathleen Lucinda, their baby girl. Cleo was there with Jaques, her paramour as she called him. And so was Ryan. Cleo had told him everything once he found her in Paris. It took him a while to track her down. It seems that Ryan never knew the reason his parents fought, only that his mother had hurt his father. Cleo overheard them arguing one night and confronted her father. He told her she was a bastard and cruelly told her the whole story. She could never bear to tell Ryan the truth until she found out we had gotten together.

He proposed to me and our daughter, Samantha Cleo Lucinda Montgomery, in front of everyone and I accepted, gaining a husband and a sister-in-law, who was also my sister all in one day. I would have hated to see that family tree.

Epilogue

As for how everything turned out well… Mrs. Montgomery finally got up the courage to leave Mr. Montgomery once the truth was out. She became an integral part in the lives of our children. She doted on them and eventually went to live with Cleo.

Mr. Montgomery, well he had to resign from the bank for what he did to daddy. He finished out his life a very lonely and miserable old man. Ryan never forgave him.

Jesse was injured in the Bay of Pigs invasion, but at least it got him out of going to Viet Nam. He was honorably discharged with a Purple Heart for bravery in service to his country. He and Willa moved back to town where he got a job fixing cars. They lived happily ever after here with their two kids.

Stevie didn’t grow up to be a doctor but a veterinarian instead. He got married and lives on a farm outside of town with his wife and three children. I guess sometimes the best parts of history repeat themselves too.

Momma went back to California and we never heard from her again. She was lost in the sixties.

Cleo got her degree and became a very successful psychologist in California, catering to children. She married a record producer, and they adopted four children.

Grammy lived to the ripe old age of ninety-nine. She was very happy because she lived long enough to see us happy. That was her fondest wish.

And Ryan and I, well we had the regular ups and downs of married life, but we were blissfully happy. We wound up with two children, Sammy and Ryan Jr. We are very proud of them and all of their accomplishments.

The saying goes, all’s well that end’s well… and it truly is.