Chapter Four: A Friendly Face in the Crowd

The remainder of the summer was blissfully uneventful. Jessie went back to playing around with his friends, Grammy took care of Stevie, and I did my best to help her around the house. I couldn’t help but feel a little useless though and a little jealous. Stevie was infatuated with Grandma. She was fast becoming his caretaker and his confidant. Grammy often asked me why I didn’t see my friends, but I explained to her that they were a full town away and none of us could drive yet. Jesse wouldn’t dream of letting me go with him. They just couldn’t be men with a girl around, he would tell me.

We didn’t hear from daddy at all or hear of him for that matter. I was guessing that was a good thing. If we hadn’t heard from him, nothing bad had happened. I sent a letter to momma to tell her where we were. I got a flimsy postcard back that said, “Wish you were here.” I doubted it. Momma said she was having a grand time in California. She was glad that we were with Grammy and she would write to us soon.

Somehow, I felt anger overtake me where once I had tried to understand. Momma seemed more and more selfish to me. She didn’t even care about the mess she had made of our lives and of daddy’s. I tore up the post card and never showed it to anyone else. Perhaps that was selfish of me, but I would rather they believe that momma was thinking about us and was miserable without us, rather then know she took a permanent vacation from her family.

September came and with it the new school season. Jesse was allowed to go back to our old school. After all, what would they do without the captain of their football team? Cindy Lou was there too. Jesse had learned how to drive that summer but we couldn’t afford a car for him. Still the members of the football team were close and they would come and pick him up every day if they had to, especially Tom. I still delighted in seeing him but because I was younger, he paid no mind to me.

Grammy didn’t “cotton” to a girl going all that way to school. She thought I would do better at the school right here in town, where I could make some local friends and go to dances and the like. I tried to explain to her that I was not a social butterfly, but all she would say was, “Nonsense child! You haven’t met the right people yet. Just you wait and see.”

Stevie would also start a new school. It was different for him though. He had never been to school before. He was turning seven soon.  Grammy enrolled him in the local Catholic school. He was looking forward to it as a brand-new adventure. It tore my heart to be with him sometimes. He was fast becoming his own person under the guidance and love of our Grammy. Stevie didn’t need me and Jess so much anymore. The baby in him was gone.

Jesse caught me staring at Stevie once, my eyes moist. I guess Jess knew how I was feeling. He must have felt the change in him. Walking over to me he put his hand on my shoulder, “It’s a good thing Cinder, you were too young to be a mom to him.” I reached my hand up and patted his. He smiled at me and left for the day.

The first day of school dawned with a bright orange sun. I looked at it mournfully. What right did that darn sun have to be cheerful on a day like this?  I was dreading it. I dressed carefully. I took out one of my new white shirts with the Peter Pan collars. I donned a checked skirt and my new bobby socks and saddle shoes. Carefully, I arranged my long red hair in a ponytail on top of my head, and I looked the part of a very confident teenager, even if I wasn’t. Momma once told me that nothing else mattered as long as you looked your best. It’s funny how her advice would get a hold of my mind from time to time, even though I tried my best to block it out.

I walked up the steps of the school, books under one arm. A few groups of girls were on the steps. Some nodded and some smiled but none tried to make my acquaintance. I found my classes with little or no problem and it wasn’t until my name was read from the roster that I started noticing some people giving me strange looks. Even a few of the teachers would raise an eyebrow at the reading of my name and then look away when they made eye contact with me. I started to feel like I had a disease, and I was the only one not aware of it.

By the time lunch had rolled around, I was miserable. I had made not one friend but a thousand enemies. All eyes were upon me when I entered the cafeteria. I sat down at a table by myself and feigned interest in my history book while I nibbled at my sandwich. Some of the girls that I had seen that morning would pass by and whisper and giggle nervously. Occasionally they would nod in my direction or the truly ignorant would point thinking that I was not noticing or feeling their small grudges. I didn’t notice the few pairs of eyes that stared at me and saw me as a person and not just a rumor. I wasn’t aware that they even existed.

So, my first day of school was miserable and the rest of the week continued much like that. I didn’t tell Grammy or anyone at home for that matter. I didn’t want to worry anyone. When Grammy expected me to be out with my friends, I would go to the library and lose myself in books or go to the park and stare enviously at the kids goofing off and having fun. I wanted to be friends with them. But I didn’t know how to make the overtures anymore then they wanted to be friends with “that O’Brien girl.”  I didn’t know how I got to be that, a faceless countenance reduced to a last name, but I was.

The next week started much the same way. But one day, as a sat at lunch, feeding the rumor mill with my solitude, a voice broke my concentration.

“Don’t pay them any mind. They are just a bunch of gossips around here that have nothing more intelligent to do with their time.”

I looked up at the face that went with the soft-spoken masculine voice. The smile that returned mine belonged to a teenage boy, about the same age as me. He was intelligent… I could tell that just by looking at him. Far from handsome, he had a full face and large brown eyes that were hidden behind wire-rimmed glasses. He wasn’t tall. I would guess around five-five. Amazed that someone was actually talking to me, I forgot my manners.

“Can I sit? Or is this table reserved for someone else?” He laughed and I blushed.

“Sure sit down. My name is Lucinda. My friends, when I have them, call my Lucy.”

“I’m Joe and it’s nice to meet you Lucy.” He extended his hand in an offer of friendship. Well, one smiling face is an anchor in the day I suppose, and I accepted his hand warmly.

Our friendship grew stronger over those lunches. Every day he would sit with me and every day no one but he would give me a second of their time. There was at least one other pair of eyes that looked upon me favorably, but I wasn’t aware of them; that person told me about it years later.

Eventually all their snubs, their rumors, their whispering got the better of me. I broke down one day, fleeing from the cafeteria and into the bathroom. Joe waited outside for me. When I came out, he slung his arms around my shoulders, “It’s alright kiddo. It’s alright.”

“Joe, what is it? Why do they talk about me like that? I want to know. Do I look different? Did I do something strange? What?” I had mulled these questions over many times in my mind, but I had not thought of an answer. All the typical teenage insecurities put the blame on me; never thinking there might me another reason.

“No Lucy, it’s not you. It’s, well, because of your dad. That’s why they don’t accept you.” I swallowed hard at that bit of news. I guess I was the only one who had an alcoholic for a father, but I wondered how they all found out about it.

Lunchtime conversations turned into walking home from school together. Jess would tease me when I was with him. “Cinder has a boyfriend! Cinder has a boyfriend.” But we were nothing like that to each other. We were only friends, but very good friends. He was more like a girlfriend to me. Once I began to trust Joe, I shared with him my life story and Joe took it all in stride. Joe was great. He never expected more of me then I was willing to share with him. And he was very supportive.

Walks home from school grew into hanging out. We went to movies and diners together. Joe didn’t dance so I still never went to the sock hops. We must have seen Vertigo a dozen times.

Grammy liked Joe but she wondered at my lack of girlfriends. I would not tell her. If they could not accept me because my father drank, I didn’t want any part of them. And I didn’t want Grammy to worry about me anymore then she did already.