Chapter Three: Grammy

I was up before the crack of dawn the next day. I didn’t sleep much … who could when you weren’t sure what life would bring you around the next corner? So, being awake before the rest of the house, I took the opportunity to move our suitcases out of our bedroom and down the road a little ways. I didn’t want daddy to take them back. I was through staying here and I wanted to get away without a big fight. Still, we had to tell him, had to say something.

Jess and Stevie were awake and moving around shortly after seven that morning. It was still three hours until Gram said she’d be there. Three hours more to say our goodbyes to a man who was not even aware we were there half  the time. We killed time just hanging on the front porch. There was no looking out for Jess’ friends. They hadn’t been around in a very long time. He met them elsewhere; they preferred to stay away from the house. I had cooked daddy a big breakfast that morning. I guess it was my way of saying goodbye and of telling him I was sorry we had to go. Daddy just looked at the breakfast as if it turned his stomach. He grabbed a piece of toast and walked away. I had to stop Jess from going after him. He would have done something; said something he would have regretted down the road. I had to stop him; the price wasn’t worth cost of the snubbed meal.

It was almost ten in the morning when Daddy finally noticed that we weren’t around the house much. He staggered out the front door and stared at us through intoxicated eyes.

“What’re you all doing out here?” he slurred. When he spoke, you had to move back, it was an involuntary motion. His breath stunk like the inside of a distillery. He needed the doorframe just to support his stance. This was not my father staring back at me. I was the first to speak. I had to be … this was all my doing. Thankfully, Grammy’s car came rumbling up the road at the same time. He looked at us. His eyes were darting from one to the other. I watched the emotions flicker across his face, first fear, and then sadness, followed by confusion, selfishness, and anger. It was bizarre –  like you were watching one of those books that had pictures on the corner and if you flipped it fast enough it would move.

“We’re leaving Daddy. We love you but we have to go. This isn’t the right place for us to be right now. You’re scaring us and we can’t take care of ourselves. We love you.” I said it again. I felt like we were deserting him. I felt shameful but right at the same time.

“They’re coming with me, Hank. Don’t try to interfere. They need someone to look after them. They need to be somewhere safe. You need time to get over her and to straighten yourself out. Come for them then, when you’re sober,” Grammy told him as she moved to put the suitcases in the car, and I felt as though she was our biggest ally, our champion.

Daddy stared at her. He looked at her with fierceness in his eyes, like he was cold-hearted and he hated her and the world. Maybe he did at that point. I wasn’t sure what he felt or was thinking. He never seemed to feel anything anymore. Alcohol does that to you. It gives you that blessed release, but you pay for it when you’re sober. He stared back at me, then Jess, and then looked at Steven as if he wasn’t even seeing him. He looked back at me again. He hated me; I could feel it. It was not an easy feeling to take in.

“You did this. You planned this didn’t you? You’re a slut just like she is, just like your mother, a conniving little witch. You don’t care about anyone do you?” he screamed.

I took it all in and absorbed his words like a sponge. I thought I had my deflector on. I thought I was impenetrable to anything he could have said. I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. I felt his words. They cut through my psyche like hundreds of shards of glass ripping at my soul. I sobbed and I ran to Grammy who held me close to her chest. My sobs were wracking my body. I didn’t look up at him again. I couldn’t.

Jess heard it all and Stevie, seeing all and knowing more then he should, ran to the car and jumped in. He hid his face behind his hands, knowing that men don’t cry and he was trying hard to be a man like Jessie.

Jess spoke in a controlled voice, too controlled, too quiet. His words came out between clenched teeth. “That’s it dad, be a man for a change and blame all your problems on a woman. That’s all you ever did, you coward! I know the truth about you! What did Lucy ever do to you? She practically raised your son when she was just a kid herself. She took care of you and your house when you couldn’t have cared less about us all. You’re too wrapped up in your own little problems to see what is in front of your face. You did this dad; you drove us away. And if you ever speak to her like that again, I will hurt you daddy, I will hurt you!” It wasn’t the only time Jessie would stand up to protect me, but it’s probably the one I remember the clearest.

Daddy took one long look at Jess, judging the man that stood before him, no longer a boy. They had robbed him of his childhood, and I hated them for it, both of them. I saw him do it before it happened. I saw Daddy draw back his hand and I wanted to yell but I could not find the right words. I could not find my voice. I straightened up from Grammy and started to run towards them. I didn’t know what I would do when I got there but I had to protect Jess the way he did me. I tripped over a suitcase on the way up to the porch and Jess turned to look at me. Daddy used the opportunity to let his fist fly and make contact with Jess’ face. He went reeling backwards over the rail and landed on the ground near me. I reached him in slow motion and cradled his head in my lap. His face was already turning purple from where Dad hit him. Jess made his way to his feet and looked back just once. Cradling his swollen cheek, he got into the car next to Stevie and put his arm out and drew him close.

“Get help Daddy. We love you.” I said and I picked up the last suitcase and sat in the front of Grammy’s car. Grammy stared at him. I wanted her out of there before the hatred and anger swallowed her too. I figure it must be an evil thing at that farm, something that made people lose themselves to insanity. This moment felt surreal. She shook her head and got in the car. We didn’t talk till we got to her house, each of us were lost in our own thoughts.

We arrived at Grammy’s house in a short time. I looked at the town around it. Didn’t seem like things had changed much. Didn’t seem like things ever changed around here. I guess that’s the way it is in small quiet towns like this. This was our home now. I wondered what it held in store for us.

Grammy let us in the house. “Get settled. You’ll be able to figure out which room is which, “she said with a wink. “I have to go to the supermarket and get some supplies. Never did keep enough in my house to feed three growing children before. Oh, and Jess, I’ll bring back a steak for your face. Go and put some ice on it now.” Then before she left she touched us, laid her hand on each one of us as if to see if we were really, truly in front of her. The look in her eyes was full of tenderness and love; longing for the relationships lost and for those that we would build. We let her go without a word. We needed time to get settled ourselves, and then we would talk. Grammy understood that.

I sank down in the first chair I could find. It was a deep, comfortable chair and I felt my eyes close. I was worn out by the tumultuous emotions of the morning, and I felt something else, something I did not recognize. Stevie crawled up on my lap. “I don’t like it here, Sissy It smells funny. Grandma smells funny. And it doesn’t feel right here, never like it did at home. When’s daddy coming to get us?”

I looked at him. His eyes were like big pools of blue, betraying the young child that still lived inside that wise little man. I was shocked that he still wanted daddy after all he had seen, but I don’t think it was daddy that he wanted. I think he was longing for the familiar. “Stevie, honey, you just want something that’s the same. It’s hard to leave what you know and come to someplace new,” I said while I stroked his hair and thought that this poor child had had more trouble in his little life than most people go through in a lifetime.

“Jessie and I are here with you now. The smell is lilac. It’s Grammy’s favorite. I remember it from when we were kids and the feeling that you feel is safety,” I said, giving words to my own emotions at the same time. “You feel safe, Stevie.”

“What about Daddy?” Stevie asked again. “When will he come? When will he get better?”

“We don’t know that Steve. Daddy will come when he’s ready I guess.” Jess answered him but we caught each other’s eyes then and I think we both felt at that point that we would never see Daddy again.

“I know!” I said brightly trying to shake off that feeling of impending doom, “Let’s see about setting your room up. We’ll put your toys upstairs and make it a home. What do you say?” Stevie nodded with enthusiasm at the mention of his toys. “Last one upstairs is a rotten egg!” I cried and I started for the stairs with a joy I had not known in a long time. I was determined to make this work.

We ran up the stairs two at a time with our suitcases in tow. The first room we came to was Grammy’s. It was beautifully decorated in an old Victorian style, the stuff that little girl’s dreams were made of. I guess Grammy was still a kid at heart.

The next room was Jess’. It was spacious. The first thing you noticed when you walked in was the bed. It was a single four-poster bed covered with a royal blue quilt. There was a desk in the room, complete with a typewriter. The walls were covered with banners from Jess’ football team and from the favorite local teams. On the bureau was a record player and stacked neatly next to it was all kinds of music that was so popular at the time. Jess ran in and flipped through the pile: Elvis, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, The Coasters, and many more. There were car magazines on the nightstand and a dartboard on the closet door. Grammy had thought of everything.

While Jess enjoyed his loot, Steve and I ran to my room to see what awaited us there. It was like Christmas morning. I threw open the door and I sighed in awe. My bed was decorated with a peach quilt and a lace canopy. I also had a record player and a typewriter. I had a vanity in my room. The vanity held a brush, comb and a mirror. There was a jewelry box there too but I didn’t look inside it yet. On the nightstand were a few books, romances, and a diary with a lock. It wasn’t until I heard Stevie scream that I came out of my reverie, and I almost bumped into Jess in our rush to get to him.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, as I got to his room, breathless I might add. He was standing in the doorway his jaw hanging down. He had bunk beds in his room. There was a toy-box in the corner filled with all sorts of things a boy would like: footballs, baseballs and bats, soldiers, Western sets with cowboys and Indians. There was no typewriter, but in its place sat a microscope and a telescope still in its box. There was no stereo but on the floor was a racetrack, already set up for him. He could hardly wait to try it out.

A voice from behind found us, “I see you found your rooms.” Grammy smiled at us, her surprise had made the magic she would have hoped.

“But Grammy, how…why…where did all this come from?” Jess asked in astonishment.

“Don’t stand there with your mouths open, you’ll catch flies, my sweets.” Grammy chuckled. “It’s simple … every year I bought you a Christmas present and every year you never came. I returned them when I didn’t see you and kept the money aside. I used it for the things in your rooms. That’s why I came so late this morning. And Stevie, well I just thought about what little boys liked and voila! Now for heaven’s sake, put this steak on your face!” Grammy laughed. Jess did as he was told and I ran over to hug her. She returned my hug as tightly as I gave it … full of love.

“Now for some chores!” said Grammy, “How about you unpack your things and I go down and make us some chocolate chip cookies? That is unless I have a volunteer to help me. Can’t make them on my own you know, need a chip taster and such.”

I nudged Stevie ahead to her. “I’ll unpack your stuff, go on now,” I whispered and he shyly went towards Grammy. She put out her hand and he put his little one in hers. Finding at last where it belonged. Those were the best cookies we ever had!