Princess Gertie (in its entirety)

I know some people do not want to go from excerpt to excerpt so today I am including Princess Gertie’s story from beginning to end. Please enjoy (and hey if you are a publisher or know one who might be interested, inbox me or contact me through social media. I would also love to work with an illustrator, with an eye toward self-publication.)

So once upon a time, there was me. My name is Gertrude – Gertrude. Horrible isn’t it? Well it’s not my fault; all of the good princess names were taken. What? Oh didn’t I mention that I was a princess? Yep, I am, well sort of anyway. I am a princess because my grandma is the queen and one day, when she gets bored, my dad will be the king. It’s kind of just a title, because you see, I am not very good at the whole princess thing. That’s how I landed here, at Princess Penelope’s Charm School. Or as I like to call it, “How to be a princess in ten horrible steps.”

Let me tell you my story. There I was minding my own business, doing everything a happy seven year old does, when my mother told me I had to go and get cleaned up. I kind of grumbled and whined about it because I really don’t like to stop playing. Who does? Mom said we were having company and to make sure I wore something nice and brushed my teeth and hair. This must be important company, I thought. I went up to my room and did everything my mother told me to do, because she’s going to be the Queen one day, so I have to listen twice as much to her as ordinary kids to do their moms. (And you thought being the princess would be easy.) I picked out a pretty pink dress, one without ruffles, because I hate ruffles. I brushed my teeth and I fought with my hair. I was trying to brush it but I think there are little hair monsters that come into my room in the middle of the night and tie my hair into knots. I think it is fun for them.  I have long, thick, curly hair and those knots hurt. One day I am going to stay awake and tie the hair monsters into knots.

I went back downstairs to find that our company had arrived. It was another king and queen from some other kingdom somewhere. My father told me where but all I heard was blah blah blah. Hey, I’m seven, most of the time I am not listening anyway. I groaned – to myself – because I knew better than to do that out loud, but I groaned because this was going to be another long dinner where the grown-ups would talk about their land, and their people, and the affairs of the kingdom and I would be so bored that I would make mountains out of my potatoes and boats out of my carrots until mom would finally let me leave the table. On the outside though, I curtsied and smiled politely and said hello, because that’s what I was supposed to do.

Suddenly, there was a surprise, and I thought, my night wasn’t going to be so bad after all. Out from behind the king stepped a boy; a boy who was dressed in frilly clothes, way too frilly for a boy, but a boy about my age just the same. We were introduced, and my friends, that is where my troubles began.

“Princess Gertrude, may I present, Prince Reginald the third.” My father said. I wondered why adults always asked, like we were going to stop them from presenting anyone.

I curtsied and smiled and said, “How do you do Reginald?” and then I whispered, “So I guess all the good prince names were taken too?”

He harrumphed at me and shook my hand.  Maybe this wasn’t going to be so much fun after all.

“Why don’t you two go to play together?” my mother said, and she smiled at me. It was such a hopeful smile. And then she looked at the other queen, who looked back at her, and then they smiled at us, and I found the whole thing kind of creepy because I didn’t know why there was so much smiling going on.

Reginald and I went out to the garden together. He was staring at me. It was kind of weird.

“So, can I call you Reggie?” I asked.

“You most certainly may not. You may call me Prince Reginald.” He said.

“Okay, Prince Reginald. Do you want to play a game or something?”

“What kind of game is this that you speak of Princess Gertrude?”

“Okay, look, you can call me Gertie, cause that’s what all my friends do and you can stop being so serious, the adults are in the castle. Why don’t we play catch?”

“Alright Princess Gertrude let us play an exciting game of catch.”

I cringed because he used my full name again. Only my parents do that. Already I didn’t like this boy very much. Still, I meant to make the best of it, that’s what my Grandma always says to do. She also tells me to smile so that people wonder what I’m up to. My father says she is a bad influence, but I think she is a lot of fun. She says I am full of spunk and vinegar.

I got the ball and we tossed it back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I tried to throw a wild pitch at him, and Prince Reginald did not move an inch. The ball landed on the ground with a thud.

“Go and get it.” Prince Reginald said.

“You get it. It was your turn to catch the ball.”

“You must go and fetch it for me. After all, that is what princesses do.”

I looked at him as if he had three heads, but I got the ball anyway.

“I am tired of playing catch. Would you like to go play in my castle? We can pretend that we are under attack by an evil army.” Reginald must have liked that idea; I thought I even saw a sparkle in his eyes.

“Yes, Princess Gertrude let us go to your castle.”

So we went. But when we got there, Reginald stared at me when I started to fight the pretend army.

“Go into the kitchen Princess Gertrude and make me some dinner, for I will be very hungry when I am done fighting this army. After all, that is what princesses do.”

I stared at him again. This was a new way of playing this game and I did not like it. But Reginald was my guest and so I made a pretend meal for him. I laughed when he ate the pretend spiders and worms that I added to his invisible stew. He never even knew they were there. In fact, when he was finished, he declared it was the best invisible stew he had ever had.

“Okay, now you have been captured by a ferocious dragon. I must be your brave knight and come and save you.”

I sat in the turret of my play castle and crossed my arms as Reginald pretended to ride a horse.

“You must scream Princess Gertrude.”

“Why?”

“Because you are afraid of the dragon and after all, screaming is what princesses do.”

I was going to scream all right, but not because he wanted me to. I was going to scream because he was driving me nuts. Calm down Gertrude, I told myself. He is just a boy, after all.

“Aaah, aaah oh no, who will save me from the mean mean dragon?” I said with as much excitement as I could muster.

Reginald of course, could and did as I sat there grumpily watching him fight.

“Time for dinner,” my mother called. I was never so happy to have to go and sit through a boring dinner.

We went inside and Reginald stood at his chair. He stared at me. “Pull it out for me,” he said. “After all that is what princesses do.”

I think steam was pouring from my ears, when my mother gave me a little push in Reginald’s direction. I pulled out his stupid chair and wished that it would break when he sat on it.

We ate dinner and I pretended that my potatoes were Reginald, and I mashed them up even more.

After dinner and dessert were finished, it was time for our company to leave. Prince Reginald stopped at the doorway and offered me his cheek.

“You must kiss me,” he said, “After all, that is what princesses do.”

I looked around at all the grown-ups, who were smiling down at us, as if he was the cutest thing that had ever seen. I couldn’t take anymore.

Before I knew it, I had picked up my hand, made in into a fist, and punched Reginald right in his nose and I said, “Because that is what princesses do.” Then I turned and ran to my room.

My father apologized to our company, and my mother just cried and cried.

“She will never find a husband acting like that!” I heard the King Blah Blah Blah say, “The engagement is off!” The door slammed on their way out.

Engaged? Me? I’m only seven! What were they thinking? I hid under my blankets and pretended to sleep but that didn’t fool my father. I think kings-to-be know everything. He told me that it was very important that I was nice to Reginald and his family because we were to be married when we were older. I told him that there was no way; in this world or any other, that I was going to marry stuffy old Reginald the Third.

Dad said I was going to charm school to learn what princesses do. And so that is how I ended up here, but I have to tell you. It is not going very well.

Charm School – Day One

On the first day of charm school, Princess Penelope read us the first rule of being a princess.

“The first rule of being a princess is this:

A princess must always look her best

In the latest fashions she will be a success

From the top of her head to the tip of her toes

In ruffles and lace, satin and bows.”

I looked at all of my schoolmates. They smoothed out their dresses and sat very prim and proper. They hid behind white-gloved hands and whispered about me. I am sure I looked very silly to them, in my plain cotton dress, but I was comfortable. So I dared to ask:

“Why?”

“Excuse me Princess Gertrude, why what?”

“Why do we have to dress in those silly dresses? You can’t play in them, or ride a horse, or run. They get torn, and dirty if you climb a tree. They are hot too. Why do we have to wear them?”

“Because that is just what princesses do,” Princess Penelope answered sweetly.

Charm School – Day Two

The next day brought a new princess rule from Princess Penelope.

“The second rule of being a princess is this:

If when walking down the street

A small green frog you should chance to meet

You must grant him one swift kiss

So a chance for true love you will not miss.”

I raised my hand. I just had to ask a question; one small itty-bitty question.

Princess Penelope sighed. “Yes Princess Gertrude?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do we have to kiss a frog? They are slimy and disgusting and well, they are green.”

“Because, Gertrude, frogs are often enchanted and turn into princes. Everyone knows that. And you want to meet a handsome prince don’t you?”

“Why?”

“Because that is just what princesses do!’ Princess Penelope was not as sweet today.

Charm School – Day Three

I did not want to go to charm school on the third day. I begged my dad to let me stay home. I told him I was sick. I told him that I caught some rare disease from kissing a frog. He did not believe me. He made me go to school. I don’t think I am going to have a good day.

Princess Penelope was happy and bright, too happy if you ask me. All the other princesses were there, looking perfect and behaving nicely as always.

“Good Morning class. Today we will learn about rule number three.

The third rule of being a princess is this:

In order to win your subjects hearts.

You must remember this from the start

All gifts they give you must accept

To win their love and their respect.”

I raised my hand again. I just had to know.

Princess Penelope sighed and rubbed her hand across her forehead. It looked like she had a headache. “Yes Princess Gertrude?”

“Why do we have to accept their gifts? Don’t you know that their gifts can be dangerous? What if it’s a poison apple or a prickly spinning wheel do we have to accept those too?”

Princess Penelope laughed, “That could never happen. You have such an imagination. Yes, you have to accept all of the gifts even an apple or a spinning wheel.”

“Why?” I asked again, but I think I knew the answer.

“Because that is just what princesses do.” I said the words at the same time she did. But I still want to know why. Who makes up these rules anyway? That’s what I want to know.

Charm School – Day Four

On the fourth day of school, Princess Penelope had a surprise for us.

“There will be no rules today class. Instead, I have a special treat.” She stood aside to show us ten pairs of identical glass slippers on her desk. “Today we will learn to walk and run in glass slippers.”

“Isn’t that kind of dangerous? What if they break? What if I get cut? I don’t think I would like to wear those. Why do we have to learn how to walk and run in those anyway?”

Princess Penelope stared at me. “Don’t you think they are beautiful?”

“Well yes,” I admitted. “They are beautiful but I don’t think they are very practical. Why do we have to wear them? With those long frilly dresses, no one can see our shoes anyway. Can’t we just go barefoot?”

“NO! Princesses must never go barefoot. Princesses walk in glass slippers. It is just what princesses do.”

Maybe, I thought, I don’t want to be a princess anymore. Wonder how old you have to be to join the circus?

Charm School – Day Five

The fifth day of school came and we had to read a book. It was called, “How to Tame a Beast in Three Days.”

“Now Princesses, this is a very important book. After all, you never know when a beast might be a handsome prince in disguise. You must try and be kind and tame every beast you meet, just in case.”

I raised my hand. ‘But what if the beast isn’t a prince? What if he is just a mean old beast and he wants to eat us or lock us in a dungeon? Why should we try to tame him?”

“BECAUSE THAT IS JUST WHAT PRINCESSES DO!” Princess Penelope said rather loudly. I don’t think she had an answer to my question. I don’t think she likes my questions very much either.

Charm School – Day Six

On the sixth day it was time for beauty school. Princess Penelope took off her crown and let her hair fall down. It fell all the way to the floor and all around her feet. No wonder she always has a headache. All that hair has to hurt.

“Ladies, your hair is most important. You must let it grow very, very long. You must brush it 100 times a day. You must take care of it. After all,” she winked, “you never know when some handsome prince is going to have to climb up it to rescue you.”

“Ummm,” I was afraid to even ask, “Doesn’t it hurt to have your hair that long? Don’t you roll over it in the middle of the night or trip on it while you are walking? Can’t that prince just use a ladder if we actually got stuck in a tower? Couldn’t he climb a rope? Why do we have to have hair that long?”

“I think you know the answer to that one Princess Gertrude!”

“Let me guess, because that is just what Princesses do?”

“You’re learning!” Princess Penelope beamed at me. They can make me learn it but it doesn’t mean I have to do it. I looked around at all of the other princesses who were smiling and looking neat as a pin. I wanted to run over and mess up their hair. I wanted to rip the bows on their dresses. I wanted to break every last glass slipper, but I guess those are all things that princesses must never do.

Charm School – Day Seven

Day seven brought us a lesson in geography, that’s the study of maps. Princess Penelope handed us maps of the forests in all of our ten kingdoms.

“You must memorize these maps so that you know the woods inside and out. You must know how to get home from all of them. You must never get lost.”

I raised my hand again.

Princess Penelope didn’t even let me ask why this time. She just said loudly, “BECAUSE, princesses take walks through the woods all of the time; because they often meet handsome princes in there; and because they are friends with all of the woodland animals.”

“But,” I said carefully, “What if there are witches in the woods, or strangers? What if there are creepy cottages or dragons? What if the witch that lived in the woods had a cottage and it had lots of candy but all she wanted to do was eat us? What then? Then you’d be sorry for telling us to walk in the woods. Why do we have to learn about the maps?” I asked and then I answered, “I know, I know because that’s just what princesses do. But I still don’t get it.”

Charm School – Day Eight

When we got to day eight, I think all of the princesses were kind of suspicious. Princess Penelope had told us the day before to dress in our messiest clothes. Since that was something that princesses never did, we all knew that something was up. When we got to the school, Princess Penelope handed us buckets and mops.

“Princesses,” she said, “must know how to clean all kinds of things, from cottages where little men live to houses where evil stepmothers reside, to even their own castle.”

She knew it was coming; she had to know. I had to ask because I had a suspicion that she was using us to clean the school just so she didn’t have to do it.  “Why? Why do we have to know how to clean? Won’t we have staff to do it for us? Why would be cleaning for little men and all of the kings and queens are married so there aren’t any wicked stepmothers. Why do we have to know how to clean, Princess Penelope, why?”

“BECAUSE THAT IS JUST WHAT PRINCESSES DO!” She yelled. I reminded her that princesses must never lose their tempers. I think her head was starting to steam. “Now clean!” She said, and then added very sweetly, “please.”

Charm School – Day Nine

We were almost done. We all came to school on day nine, a little tired from all the cleaning the day before. It was nice to see that my perfect classmates weren’t always so perfect, especially when they didn’t get enough sleep.

“Good Morning class. In the beginning of school we talked about three very important rules. There are just two more. Today we will cover rule number four and that is:

A smile on your face should always be had

Whether your day has been good or bad.

You must always be cheery and bright

In the early morning until late at night.”

I knew I could challenge this rule! “Why do we always have to be happy? You aren’t always happy Princess Penelope, especially when I am asking questions, then you look really grumpy. What if we meet a wicked witch, do we have to be nice to her? What if we tried to sleep at night but there was a pea under our mattresses and we couldn’t sleep because we were so uncomfortable? Don’t laugh,” I told her, “it happened to a friend of mine. What if we meet some man who can spin straw into gold but he wants our first baby in return and he is really mean to us? Do we have to be happy then?”

”YES!” Princess Penelope said, “You always have to have a smile and be happy. Because that is just what princesses do!”

I told her that she shouldn’t grind her teeth together so much; she would ruin her smile. She didn’t think I was funny.

Charm School – Day Ten

Finally it was the last day of school. I was going to try and show how much I had learned. I pinned up my hair as neat as you please. I even put a bow in it.  I put on my frilliest dress and my little glass slippers. I wore my biggest smile and I went to class.

Princess Penelope smiled at me. I liked that.

”Okay young ladies, the last and most important rule of being a princess is this, pay close attention now,

Once you have met the prince of your dreams,

Show him how much his true love means.

Listen sweetly to his every word

Obey every command no matter how absurd.”

Princess Penelope smiled at us. She had done her best and she was sure we had learned everything we needed to know about being a princess. Only I didn’t really think so. I didn’t like that last rule, not one little bit.

I raised my hand. Princess Penelope just looked at me. All of the other princesses looked at me. “BECAUSE THAT IS JUST WHAT PRINCESSES DO!” they all said together.

I was mad. I was really mad. Can you believe they taught this junk? Someone should say something.  I stood up, but I caught the hem of my gown on my chair and I fell over. I told you those things were dangerous. I climbed up on top of my desk. I ripped the bow out of my hair, and some of my hair with it, ouch! I stomped my foot and cracked my glass slipper. It cut my toe.

“Princesses should not have to wear silly dresses that get in the way or wear their hair so long that they trip over it. Princesses should not have to kiss a frog because it is disgusting. Or go into the woods because they could get lost or eaten by a dragon. And they should not have to clean anyone’s house unless they want to. They should not have to wear dangerous slippers.” I held up my bleeding toe for effect. “Princesses are not always happy, they should feel however they want to feel. They should ever accept gifts from strangers. They could get hurt. We should be able to stay away from beasts and dragons. AND MOST OF ALL,” I shouted, “Princesses should not have to do all this to marry some dumb old prince and even if she does, she should not have to do everything he says!”

I was done. I was going to sit down but then something happened, something wonderful. All of the other princesses stood on their desks too. They all stomped their feet in support. The only problem was; those darn glass slippers cut every one of them. Princess Penelope had to get out the first aid kit and bandage all of our feet. After that she looked at me and said,

“Princesses should never throw temper tantrums. You are EXPELLED!” Then she wrote a long note home to my mom and dad.

I thought my mom and dad were going to be super mad. I thought they were going to go crazy and banish me to the dungeons forever. I thought they were going to say, “Princess Gertrude who?” But they didn’t. They just shook their heads sadly. Then, they told me I had to go and explain it to the Queen all by myself.

I was scared, Queen Bea was my grandma, but she was still the ruler of the land. As soon as she saw my face, she knew something was wrong. Queen Bea had her royal guard pull up the tiny throne that was made just for me. She ordered the royal cook to bring milk in cookies in our special cups and then she told me to tell her the whole sad story. When I was done, the Queen did not get mad. She didn’t tell me to move to another land or threaten to lock me in the dungeon. Instead, my Grandma hugged me tight and she said, “You learned the most important thing about being a princess. Never change who you are. Princesses must always be themselves.” Grandmas rock!

And I was happy, because being yourself is something that Princesses must definitely do!